What Is Going On??!!?

So I am 21 days late...I haven't poas(peed on a stick) because I know that I am not pregnant. My pelvic pain has been BEYOND bad that it has been waking me up. The last few days I'll be dreaming that I'm having the worst pelvic pain, then I will wake up and be in the worse pain!! I honestly don't know what the hell is going on with my body. I get my period every 28 days but ever since I got off the fertility drugs my cycles have been very messed up!! Last cycle I was 39 days late!!!! I don't have a fertility doctor here in Tennessee yet, and there is no point because I will be moving back to Oklahoma when he deploys to Afghanistan which is VERY soon... Now we don't even have time to try 1 more cycle, unless I started today or tomorrow, which I am just very devastated about! Our goal was to get pregnant before he deploys but yeah that is not happening now...I guess once he gets back then it's IVF with ICSI. I just really didn't want to do IVF unless we had to.. The 3 IUI's process just put me through SO much physical pain and mentally.. and I know IVF is going to be worse.. I just really wish we could get pregnant on our own like most normal couples. I always ask God, "why can they get pregnant let alone on their own, but Bruce and I for some reason just can't." I don't understand why Bruce and I have to go through infertility..I know there is a reason.. Maybe to find out about 3 serious illness, Lupus, Antiphospholipid Antibody Syndrome(APS) and MTHFR Disease, that our fertility doctor found. Or else I would have never even asked to be tested for those. Maybe it's to show us how much a blessing a child is or maybe to show me that just because I don't have a child it does not make me ANY less blessed than a woman/couple with child(ren) Or maybe I am being punished for something..??? I don't know but whatever the reason, destiny always gets it's way. I do know that everything is going to work out for Bruce and I. God is great and amazing. And with him on our side anything is possible.

I know it's been like 3 weeks since I have updated and that I have bearly been on Twitter the last couple weeks, I miss all of ya'll, but I'm just trying to spend as much time with my husband as I can, before he goes to Afghanistan. I really hope ya'll understand. And I just want to thank all my girls! Without ya'll and my husband, I could not get through a day without any of you. I promise to update more and be on Twitter more! :)

Lupus Awareness Month!!

Sorry it kinda cut me off at the end..HAHA!! If you want to know more about Lupus visit www.lupus.org

Just An Update.

Sorry my allergies are bad..and my nose is kinda stuffy..LoL!!

Earth Day.

Earth Day is a day where we appreciate this Earth and all it's beauty! We need to start taking better care of our beautiful Earth, for our children, for our children's children.

Michael Jackson's Planet Earth Poem:


Michael Jackson's Earth Song:


Listen to his messages, and let's make the change. Together we can do it. But we need to do it together and fast.

AF, You Bitch!!!

So we all HATE AF, but right now she needs to show so we can get back to trying esp before he Deploys. I am 32 days late...I got a Progesterone shot 2 days ago, and the nurse said my period would start within a week, and if it doesn't start in 2 weeks I may be pregnant. Which I don't think I am..we are not that lucky.. I know that she is on her way and close, because how bad my pelvic pain has been since I got that shot.. Not only am I hurting on the left, like always, but on the right as well, and my whole entire lower back..I can't put ANY pressure on it...My pain meds are hardly even working.. My Fertility Doctors have NO clue in why I am late, she said it could be from the cyst, but I have had cysts before and it didn't make me late. So they really have NO idea on why I am 32 days late. My 2ww has turned into a 8ww.. This has just been a very hard 8 weeks and I just want this cycle to end so we can go to the next one...Why is this happening? Esp RIGHT BEFORE Bruce deploys...??? I just hope the Progesterone makes AF come real soon, I don't wanna 9ww or 10ww! I think I am going insane!! AF, I know we have our differences and I hate you and you are never welcome, but this time I am begging you to come. Pleaseeee AF, stop being a bitch and just show up!! Why are you doing this to me?? Where are you? Where have you been??!!? Please just show up already..

Where Are You AF?!???!!

So AF is 15 days late. I saw my Fertility Doctor not last week but the week before when I was 5 days late. She did an ultrasound and saw the cyst and the fluid, it had erupted and I know I had a cyst because I could feel it because it was poking out. And I couldn't put ANY pressure on my left lower back or front... I had gotten it from all the fertility drugs, no baby but a big cyst, just my luck! So she said I'm late because the cyst and I don't think that may be the case. I've had cysts before and much bigger ones and they never made me late. I'm trying to not get my hopes up, I really am but it's so hard when your this late. I've hardly been having ANY pelvic pain, which is not normal for me. And when I do have it it's not that bad. Tomorrow I'm gonna call the clinic and go in for a blood test on Wednesday and if I'm not pregnant (I have good a feeling though) then I want a progesterone shot to make me start. We only have like 2 more cycles before he deploys. :( I just want AF to come so we can get back to trying. This 2ww has turned into a 4ww... This is just not normal for me. And I've been gaining weight, my boobs are huge and don't hurt, they always hurt right before I start and during AF. I just want to know what is going on with my body! If AF isn't coming because I'm pregnant then I'll be the happiest woman alive! So please just keep us in your prayers. We are running out of months... :(

On moving, we are still in Colorado and we may be staying another month, we should find out tomorrow, hopefully. We are trying to stay because I can't get in to see my doctor or therapist. So I guess we'll find out tomorrow I'm hoping!

Now It's A Race, But We Have A Plan!!

So Bruce and I got back from Oklahoma, where I am from, last night. We were only there a week due to a death in the family, but yes I am moving back home this summer when he deploys. I think a lot of you got confused. We are moving from Colorado next month, yes we did pack our whole house and storage it in Oklahoma. We do have a bed, TV, PS3, netbook, and my 4 suitcases of my clothes and shoes. :D And he has his stuff here. So we are good! ;) We left our Husky in Oklahoma, because traveling with her is just a lot and she is so big, so we thought it would be easier to leave her in Oklahoma at my house since I am moving back home soon anyway, but of course you know my Chi-babies are with me. Juliet, Angel and Bella slept on my lap the whole way back...12 hours..LoL and Romeo on Daddy's of course!!

So since Bruce is deploying this summer, we are now at a race to get conceive (naturally right now) before he goes..and I hate saying that because getting pregnant is NOT a race. But in all honestly we are TTC'ing as much as we can.. And of course praying to God! So it kinda feels like a race. If I don't get pregnant before he goes I will be completely crushed... Now we were gonna do IVF before he left but now that I have to pay for an Attorney, we can't. Now what we are doing is..we are gonna do a few more IUIs while he is gone, I don't know how many (I'd have to travel back to Kentucky since his froze sperm will be there..) but then we are going IVF with ICSI when he gets home..if necessary.. So that is our plan! But of course we are really hoping and praying to get pregnant before he goes. AF is due Monday, hoping she don't show, but if I am not pregnant I want her to show right on time because we are having a weekend getaway, "conception moon" on the 3rd, 2 days before I ovulate. :) We planned a getaway anyway because he wanted to do one before he leaves, and what better way to turn it into a "conception moon" But of course it's not gonna be all about TTC, it is all about US!

So tomorrow morning, I have an appt with my Infertility Doctor..because I am pretty sure I have a cyst on my left ovary from all the Fertility Drugs, so "Wandy" for me tomorrow morning.., ucky!! I feel my left ovary, then I feel something on top of it, that feels kinda big and hurts beyond bad!! I can't touch it, put Any pressure near there or my lower left back... Please pray for me..

So I am VERY happy that we have a a plan, I'm not stressing as bad, but I still kinda am, but not as bad since we have a plan. I really hope we get conceive on our own, and by the time he is home I will around a 3 month old!! I have prayed very hard, you don't re-pray everyday about it, you remind God your prayer, everyday. I learned a lot from my Grandpa when I was home, so I learned a lot about praying, how to pray RIGHT, so hopefully he answers our prayers! So we may be going to a Hot Spring for our Conception Moon or what do you think?? Look up and give me some ideas!! I will do the same and post another post about it tomorrow!! :) Thank you!

First Cycle Since IUI.

So this is our first cycle since our last IUI. I am on CD 22 and 8dpo. I know that we only have a 1% trying to conceive naturally, but with God all things are possible. I have prayed so hard to let this be the cycle I get pregnant and to let me get pregnant before he deploys this summer... You have to be exact when you pray, my Grams told me. So I just prayed and asked God exactly what I want for my husband and I. I prayed so hard that tears just began to fall down my cheeks. I believe in the power of praying, and I am faithfully putting this in God's hands. Yes, I have said that before, but this time I honestly mean it. With all of my heart, I mean it. And I know that God can do miracles, he can do ANYTHING, he is God, the creator of all things. He said "be fruitful and multiply." And that is what I am going to do. I know in last night's post fear was coming back, but this morning, I talked to God and prayed, and realized I am taking that fear, that the Devil has stoned upon me and throwing it out of my life. I WILL get pregnant before Bruce deploys, and I will have a very healthy baby 9 months later. I am no longer scared, worried or fear that I won't ever get pregnant. I know I will. God will give Bruce and I our little one. God does have a plan for Bruce and I, and I know it's going to be so amazing. Because I know part of that, is having a baby. And even though the doctors said I can only get pregnant with IVF and have that 1% of conceiving naturally, I don't care what percent they give us. I am getting pregnant NATURALLY, with the Lord's help of course.

Fear And It's Ugly Head!

CD21 7dpo

To My Dearest Angel-in-Waiting,

I know I told you I was letting go of fear of not ever having you, but it's rearing it's ugly head back into my life.. Your Daddy is fixing to go back to war and fight the bad guys and I am scared I won't have conceived you before he leaves, and the doctors wanna do a hysterectomy.... I don't want to do that, but this pain is just getting way TOO bad..and I'm so tied all the pain meds.. I am scared my sweetpea. I am scared I will never give birth to you, I am scared I will never get to hold you, I am scared I will never get to feed you, I am scared I will never get to bathe you, I am just beyond scared, of not getting to do ANYTHING that a mother gets to do with her newborn baby. Everyone around me is having their baby and I want mine, I want YOU. Every time I am out and about and see a mother comforting her baby, I wonder if I will do that for you? Or when a mother gives her baby their bottle, will I ever do that for you? Or when a mother is pushing her baby in a stroller, will I ever get to do that to you? I wonder so many things. I wonder will I EVER have you? And if so, when? Mommy is trying to not let this fear get the best of me. But sometimes negative thoughts and fears pop into my head, like right now. Now that we are trying to conceive you naturally again, it's even harder, because the doctor told daddy and I that we have a 1% of conceiving naturally.... Then told us we may never even get to have you if we don't do IVF, and that we should just adopt. It was so hard for mommy and daddy to hear the doctor tell us these things... Your Daddy is ALWAYS so positive and keeps the faith. I don't know how he does it, I really don't. He does not have this fear..I admire him for it. We already love you sooo much and we can't picture life without you ever not being in it. I'm just so lost at words sweetpea. Mommy is going to work on this problem I am having and get this fear out of my mind and life!! I love you so much my little sweetpea and I can't wait til your growing in mommy's tummy then home in my arms. Stay strong and Mommy will do the same. I love you so much my sweet Angel-in-Waiting.

Love From A Mother-in-Waiting

Endometriosis And Chronic Pelvic Pain.

March is Endometriosis Awareness Month!!

I have been dealing with Endometriosis and Pelvic Pain since the age of 12. My pelvic pain turned into Chronic Pelvic Pain when I was 15, it wasn't just on my period, but every single day. All the doctors thought I was making up the pain...So I went a new GYNO when I was 16 and he put me on Percocets. Then a few years later WHEN I was 18, he wanted to do surgery, a Laparoscopy, and see what is causing such pain, that is every day. He said that is not normal. So I had my first Lap in November 2006 and they found Endometriosis. He kept me on the Percocets, and said I need to have a hysterectomy or try to have kids, that I may never be able to. Do you know how that feels at the age 18 and your about to get married?? Then when I moved to Alaska and got married, I went to the Doctors, had no GYNO in Alaska then, so they wouldn't give me my Percocets (thank God I had a ton that my Doctor in Oklahoma gave me a lot) So I switched Doctors and she finally gave me Percocets. Then we moved to Colorado and my PCM put me on Fentanyl patches, which wasn't doing the job, then tried me on OxyContin, it worked but then stopped, so put me back on Fentanyl patches, this time 100mg, well it stopped working and he coulda upped it but then I asked for something else, so he tried Morphine, it worked for a while and he keep upping it (same with all the pain meds) So I asked to be put on OxyContin, which works better for me even tho Morphine is stronger. So I need to get it upped again. I take Percocets for the break thru pain.. And yes it's safe for me to be on OxyContin while TTC. I am on strong ass pain meds and still in A LOT of pain, everyday. I'm ovulating right now and yesterday I was starting to and the pain was so bad I had to take 6 perks for it to stop..for like 3 hrs, then I took a nap to slept some of it off... It is sooo bad because of all the fertility drugs, mainly the injections.. Pelvic pain is NOT like cramps, pelvic pain is a trillion times worse...I WISH I had cramps instead of this pelvic pain... I know most of you know what Endometriosis is. But March is Endometriosis Awareness Month! So still gonna blog about it. :)

The word Endometriosis comes from the Greek endon meaning "within" and the Greek metra meaning "uterus", akin to Greek meter meaning "mother" The word osis comes from the Greek and/or Latin suffix meanings "affected with, condition, abnormal process."

Endometriosis is the growth of cells similar to those that form the inside of the uterus (endometrial cells), but in a location outside of the uterus. Endometrial cells are the same cells that are shed each month during menstruation. The cells of endometriosis attach themselves to tissue outside the uterus and are called endometriosis implants. These implants are most commonly found on the ovaries, the Fallopian tubes, outer surfaces of the uterus or intestines, and on the surface lining of the pelvic cavity. They can also be found in the vagina, cervix and bladder, although less commonly than other locations in thepelvis. Rarely, Endometriosis implants can occur outside the pelvis, on the liver, in old surgery scars, and even in or around the lung or brain. Endometrial implants, while they can cause problems.

Now let's move on the pelvic pain, and trust me there is a HUGE difference between cramps and pelvic pain..

Chronic Pelvic pain is one of the most common medical problems among woman, that last more than 6 months and affects a woman's quality of life. Painful periods, pelvic pain may begin before and extend several days into your period and may include lower back and abdominal pain. Severity of pain isn't necessarily a reliable indicator of the extend of condition. Some woman with mild Endometriosis have intense pain, while other with some severe scarring may have little pain or even no pain at all. Pelvic pain at other times. You may experience pelvic pain during ovulation, a sharp sharp deep during intercourse, or pain during bowel movements or urination.

I want people who don't understand Endometriosis, to understand it and to understand how painful it really is... For some that have it, it's not as bad and they get cramps, not pelvic pain. Endometriosis can cause Infertility. Not everyone with Endometriosis will have a problem conceiving. I pray for every woman/girl who has it, because I know how painful it truly is... It affects my life SO BAD! I haven't done a lot of things because I am in bed Screaming/crying and drugged up because the pain is BEYOND bad...I pray we get a cure every soon and not just doctors telling us to get a hysterectomy. Even getting one, does not cure it and most people STILL have really bad pain.

How Can I Get Thru This? *UPDATE*

Last night my Grams, who also adopted me when I was 4 and raised me, lost her battle to lung cancer. My younger sister called me at 9:01pm and asked me if I was sitting down, I knew right then...I started screaming SOOO loud, my Husband ran up stairs and I kinda cried/screamed it out that she had passed..he rushed over to me and just held me as I screaminly cried at the top of my lungs. I kept trying to get away from him..was kicking my legs and the whole 9 yards... My sister was still on the phone and told my husband that I need to calm down..that pissed him off and me as well... I cried until I could not even cry anymore..had a few panic attacks, I stopped breathing, Bruce had to give me CPR a few times.. I am still in shock..I don't know what to do.. I was suppose to be home NEXT week to spend time with her..As I look at this picture of us...I can't believe it.. How could this happen?? I am bawling my eyes out while I write this... My Grams was a very hard working woman, super strong, never lost faith in God even when 2 of her children passed away within years of each other, or any other bad things that happened, she NEVER lost faith in God. She was the most loving mother, she did all she could for us kids. She was always there for me, about Infertility and my everyday battles. I am proud to say not only she is my Grams but my Mother as well. I am very blessed to have 2 mothers. They may be in Heaven, but I know they are both still here with me.

March 5th, 2010 *UPDATE* I am not doing so good with this..I am still in shock and just can't believe this is happening to me. I haven't cried much, since I found out, I guess because I just can NOT believe this, what so ever. My Grams has been there my WHOLE life and done such a great job in raising me. I honestly don't know if I can stay strong or be strong enough to get thru this. I know how strong of a woman I truly am, but this..I don't know... I am still dealing with my mom's death and now my other mother/grams'..Please tell me how am I suppose to get thru thrus? Because I don't know if I can..I just lost one (another) of the most important woman in my life..We should be going to Oklahoma on the 9th, the Judge should allow me to leave the state for this. I really can't wait to be home and I think it would help me, A LOT! I want to thank everyone who has been there for me, from the bottom of my heart, thank you SO much. It truly means the world to me.

Next Step...InVitro.

We wanted to do this post together. My BlackBerry started ringing at 2 o' clock. It read Infertility Clinic. So I answered it, and at first I thought she said I have good news, so I said with very much excitment "You have good news?!!" The RE told me, "No, Roxanne, I am very sorry but it came back negative." My heart felt like a bullet went thru it, and I hurried to get off the phone, but she wanted me to come in on Monday for an ultrasound to make sure my ovaries are back to normal. So as soon as I made that appt, I hurried and said bye...Then I dropped to the floor, crying the hardest I have EVER cried. I kept saying, as I was crying and screaming (very loud, surprised no one called the cops) "How am I going to tell Bruce, how am I going to tell him I am not pregnant, yet again." So I called him crying...I told him...Then I told him I needed him very bad, so he told his SGT and they let him off early. He came home and just held me... Before he got home, I kept asking God "Why didn't this work?!!" I actually was cry screaming it. I just don't understand why it did not work...I had 14 great follicles, his sperm was at 100% mobility for the first time, what the hell?! After 3 years, this is by far the worst negative... I don't know what else to say, I am completely heartbroken, yet again.. All the vaginal ultrasounds, needles, hormones, injections, the pain...all for NOTHING. Not to mention the thousands we spent for 3 IUI cycles... We are moving on the 8th and once we get a house and I can get into the doctor and have him/her send me to yet another Infertility Specialist, we are doing IVF with ICSI. And I know I will get pregnant with that, it's a for sure thing, but that doesn't change what I am feeling now and how shattered my heart is.

I got a phone call from Roxanne and I heard her crying and I knew right then what she had to tell me. I also knew that I had to get home to her even before she said anything. I heard her say that she was not pregnant, well it was more like a scream. I told her that I would be home soon and got off the phone and went to talk to my NCO. When I saw him I told him I had to get home because my wife was freaking out, he asked me about what? I explained to him that my wife had a pregnancy test today and it came back negative and that it was our last IUI. He said ok, be back in the morning. From their I went from my car and drove as fast ask I could to my ailing wife. I got home, I ran upstairs I saw her just sitting there on the floor next to the bed, I didn't know what to say. It hurt so bad seeing her like that, knowing that she wanted this so bad. When she first called and told me she was not pregnant, it was hard to believe. It's been 3 years, a couple of thousand of dollars and a hell of a lot of heartache. And yet no baby. It hurt so bad to hear that we still aren't pregnant. Haven't we both suffered enough, what else do we have to go through to finally get the baby we already love so much. It's hard to stay positive when all we get is bad news. But I know that no matter what I will not stop trying to have the baby that my wife and I are meant to have.

Am I Closer to you?

IUI #3 9dp-IUI

To My Dearest Angel-in-Waiting,

I have 5 days until my blood test, to see if I am pregnant with you(s) or not. I will be honest with you, I am getting scared my little angel-in-waiting. I want you more than anything in the world, and so does your daddy. Are you(s) growing in mommy's tummy right now? I know that I am meant to have you in my life, we are meant to be together. But I am scared I am not meant to get you right now, or maybe not even at all. I'm trying my hardest to stay positive and strong, but some days, like today, it is hard for mommy. I feel like giving up and just not going thru IVF (if this IUI is a failure) I hated going thru IUI, it hurt me so bad, with all the ultrasounds and all the extra hormones, extra blood work, and extra monitoring. I know that IVF is gonna be a lot more, but let's not even talk about IVF, UNLESS it comes to it. But I do want you to know, when I said I will never give up on you, I will not. At the moment, mommy is very confused and hurting. I have been fighting for you for over 3 years now, and it gets harder every month my love. Every negative, feels like another bullet in the heart. You are the reason why mommy is doing everything I am, risking my life for you, all the hormones, vaginal ultrasounds, blood work...etc. You are everything we have ever wanted, we dream of you, talk about you. We would love to just sit there and watch you sleep, I wouldn't care about not getting any sleeping, as long as I can sit there and watch you sleep. As this IUI cycle comes to an end, I am wondering If I am closer to you or not. Am I Baby Hang? Am I God? There are so many questions that no one can answer for me, and I don't like know what's going on or what's gonna happen or not happen. If you are growing in mommy's belly, I will do everything in my power to get you here, and here safe and sound and very healthy. I already love you more than words can even say or describe, and I know we will be together, and I really hope it is soon. I love you my sweetpea.

Love from a Mother-in-Waiting

"My job is to take care of the possible and trust God with the impossible"

Infertiles And Fertiles.

I want to know what is going on between us. Why must our Fertile friends not tell us, Infertiles, to our face but put on a Facebook and Myspace status that they are pregnant? Just because they think we won't be happy for them or it'll upset us? Yes it does upset us but we are HAPPY FOR YOU. We will feel that huge amount of sadness at first, then be happy for you. Just because we have been trying years for our 1st and you find out your pregnant with your like 3rd or whatnot, does not mean you can not tell us. We are suppose to your friend. And to me, by not telling us directly, it seems as if you don't care about our feelings as much as you say you do. I can see how a Fertile telling an Infertile that she is pregnant would be very tough, but as a friend, you should do it anyway.

5dp-IUI.

So I did my last and 3rd IUI on the 11th. They did another ultrasound right before, just to make sure everything was fine, turns out I grew 4 more follicles over night, without any injections! And his sperm mobility was at 100% FOR THE FIRST TIME!! :) I have the strongest feeling in my gut that this is the one for us!! So I am 5dp-IUI today, and other than my everyday pain, my ovaries feel as if they are gonna explode! I can't put ANY pressure on the them...And I know it's from the hormone injections and probably cause I have 14 eggs in there. My boobs are hurting me BEYOND BEYOND bad!! I can hardly wear a bra!!! I have been bloated for days, so bloated it looks like I am 4-5 months pregnant, I have had people ask how far along I am, that hurts... I usually get bloated RIGHT before AF is due, like a few days, and never this big. So I am guessing it's all those little eggies in there. :) They inseminated around 8 billion or million, I can't remember what she said. GO SPERMIES GO!!! GET ONE OF THOSE EGGIES OR 2!!! ;) Blood test is the 25th, and I'm hoping this 2ww goes by a little faster!! Please pray and keep us in your prayers, thank you! :)

Lupus, Antiphospholipid Antibody Syndrome and Fibromyalgia.

I really want to do a post about the 3 Autoimmune Disease I have, to help ya'll understand them better, and know what I am going through.

Lupus

What is Lupus?
Lupus is a chronic, autoimmune disease that can damage any part of your body (skin, joints, and/or organs inside the body). In Lupus. something goes wrong with your immune system, which is the part of the body that fights off viruses, bacteria and germs. Normally our immune system produces proteins called antibodies that protect the body from these invaders. Autoiumme means your immune system can't tell the difference between these foreign invaders and your body's heathy tissue ("auto" means "self") and create autoantibodies that attack and destroy healthy tissue. So basically your body is fighting it's self. Lupus is also a disease of flares (the symptoms worsen and you feel ill) and remissions (the symptoms improve and you feel better) Lupus can range from mild to life-threatening and should always be treated by a doctor. Lupus is not contagious, not even though sexual contact. Lupus is not like cancer or related to cancer. Lupus is not like or related to HIV or AIDS. At least 1.5 million Americans have Lupus. The actual number may be higher, however, there have been no large-scale studies to show the actual number of people in the U.S. living with Lupus. Lupus strikes mostly woman of childbeaing age (15-44) However, men, children and teenagers develops Lupus too.

What causes Lupus
No gene or group of genes has been proven to cause Lupus. Lupus does, however appear in certain families. Although Lupus can develop in people with no family history of Lupus, there are likely to be other autoimmune diseases in some family members.

Forms of Lupus
There are 4 types of Lupus, I have Systemic Lupus Erythematosus (SLE) SLE is the most common form of Lupus, and is what most people mean when they refer to "Lupus" SLE can be mild or severe. Some of the most serious complications involving major organs systems are:

• inflammation of the kidneys, which can affect the body's ability to filter waste from the blood and can be so damaging that dialysis or kidney transplant may be needed.
• an increase in blood pressure in the lungs.
• inflammation of the nervous system and brain, which can cause memory problems, confusion, headaches and strokes.
• inflammation in the brain's blood vessel, which can cause high fevers, sizures behavioral chances.
• hardening of arteries, which is a buildup of deposits on coronay artery walls that can lead to a heart attack.

There is more that it can effect, but I'm trying to keep this short, And I am not going to go into the other 3 forms of Lupus, because I don't have them, at least not that I know of.

The Symptoms of Lupus
Because Lupus can affect so many different organs, a wide range of symptoms can occur. These symptoms may come and go, and different symptoms may appear at different times during the course of the disease.
The most common symptoms of Lupus, which are in the same for Females and Males.

• extreme fatigue
• headaches
• painful and/or swollen joints and stiffness
  
• muscle pain
  
• fever
• anemia
• swelling in feet, legs, hands, and/or around eyes.
• chest pain
• shortness of breath
  
• butterfly shaped rash across the cheeks and nose
• sun or light-sensitivity
• hair loss
• abnormal blood clotting
• fingers turning white and/or blue when cold
• Pale or purple fingers or toes
• mouth or nose ulcers
• Swollen glands
• dizziness
• depression
• confusion
• seizures.
• easy bruising
• skin lesions that appear or worsen with sun exposure
• dry eyes
• anxiety
  
• memory loss

There are more symptoms but these are the most common.

Other illness you could get by having Lupus

• heart disease
• lung disease
• kidney disease and kidney failure
• skin and joint disease
• Leukemia
• Rheumatoid Arthritis
• Nervous System disease

Did you know more people have Lupus than AIDS??


Antiphospholipid Antibody Syndrome

What is Antiphospholipid Antibody Syndrome? (APS)
Anitphosphoslipid Antibody Syndrome is an autoimmune disorder. In APS, the body mistakenly makes antibodies that attack phospholipids-a type of fat. Phospholipids are found in all living cells and cell membranes, including blood cells and the lining of blood vessels. When antibodies attack phospholipids, they damage cells. This causes unwanted blood clots to form in the body's arteries and veins. Usually blood clotting is a normal bodily process. Blood clots help seal small cuts or breaks and prevent you from losing too much blood. In APS, howeber too much blood clotting can block blood flow and damage the body's organs. Some people have APS anitboies, but don't ever have signs or symptoms. APS can leand to a number of health problems and even death. Such as stroke, heart attack, kidney damage, deep vein thrombosis, pulmonary embolism or pregnancy-related problems. Pregnancy related problems may include multiple miscarriages, a miscarriage late in the pregnancy or a premature birth due to eclampsia. People who have APS also are at a higher risk of Thrombocytopenia. This condition in which your blood has a low number of blood cells called platelets. This can lead to mild to serious bleeding. In APS, thrombocytopenia occurs because the platelets are used up by the clotting process or because antibodies destroy them. In some cases, APS can be fatal. This may occur due to large blood clots or blood clots in the heart, lungs, or brain. APS can affect people of any age. However it's more common in woman and people who have other autoimmune or rheumatic disorders, such as Lupus. ("Rheumatic" refers to disorders that affect the joints, bones, or muscles.) APS has no cure, but medicines can help prevent its complications. Medicines are used to stop blood clots from forming and keep existing clots from getting larger. Treatment for the disorder is long term. If you have APS and another autoimmune disorder, it’s important to control that condition as well. When the other condition is controlled, APS may cause fewer problems.


Fibromyalgia

What is Fibromyalgia?
Fibromyalgia is a common condition characterized by long-term, body-wide pain and tender points in joints, muscles, tendons, and other soft tissues. Fibromyalgia has also been linked to fatigue, morning stiffness, sleep problems, headaches, numbness in hands and feet, depression, and anxiety.Fibromyalgia can develop on its own or along with other musculoskeletal conditions such as rheumatoid arthritis or lupus.

The symptoms of Fibromyalgia
The overwhelming characteristic of fibromyalgia is long-standing, body-wide pain with defined tender points. Tender points are distinct from trigger points seen in other pain syndromes. Unlike tender points, trigger points can occur in isolation and represent a source of radiating pain, even in the absence of direct pressure. Fibromyalgia pain can mimic the pain that occurs with various types of arthritis. However, the significant swelling, destruction, and deformity of joints seen in diseases such as rheumatoid arthritis does not occur with fibromyalgia syndrome alone. The soft-tissue pain of fibromyalgia is described as deep-aching, radiating, gnawing, shooting or burning, and ranges from mild to severe. Fibromyalgia sufferers tend to wake up with body aches and stiffness. For some patients, pain improves during the day and increases again during the evening, though many patients with fibromyalgia have day-long, unrelenting pain. Pain can increase with activity, cold or damp weather, anxiety, and stress.

Specific symptoms:

• body aches
• chronic facial muscle pain or aching
• fatigue
• irritable bowel syndrome
• memory difficulties and cognitive diffculties
• multiple tender areas (muscle and joint pain) on the back of the neck, shoulders, sternum, lower back, hips, shines, elbows, kness
• numbness and tingling
• palpitations
• reduced exercise tolerance
• sleep disturbances
  
• tension or migraine headaches

Although the cause of fibromyalgia is unknown, researchers have several theories about the causes or triggers of fibromyalgia. Some scientists believe that the syndrome may be caused by an injury or trauma. This injury may affect the central nervous system. Fibromyalgia may be associated with changes in muscle metabolism, such as decreased blood flow, causing fatigue and decreased strength. Others believe the syndrome may be triggered by an infectious agent such as a virus in susceptible people, but no such agent has been identified. Some think Fibromyalgia is not an autoimmune disease, although many people believe it to be. There may be some evidence that FM has an autoimmune component to it. Unfortunately, there is not a lot of concrete evidence to support and validate that notion yet. Fibromyalgia is difficult to diagnose because many of the symptoms mimic those of other diseases.

There is a ton of more info about these, but I did not want to be writing this post ALL night, LOL. So I hope this info can help you understand a little better of what I go through daily.

Hardest Decision, But We Made It.

So I went in for my ultrasound and I have 10 FOLLICLES! Boy did the injections work or what!! The Doctor was talking about not doing IUI this month and waiting for next month because most likely I will be getting pregnant from this IUI and with more 3 or more. If I have 3 or more I will have to have Selected Reduction done... It has to be done after 8 weeks when they has a heartbeat.. They will inject saline into the sac and it will stop the growth. They do the Selective Reduction at 10-12 weeks. We are NOT going to doing it if we have twins, but I will be in the hospital for my whole pregnancy(if I get pregnant with twins)... This was a very hard decision for my Husband and I.. We don't wanna basically kill 1 or more of our babies, but I CAN NOT carry more than 2, they don't want me even carrying 2, but we are choosing do keep twins, if I get pregnant with more than 1. If you even think this was an easy decision for myself and my husband, YOU ARE WRONG. We don't wan't to have to do that but we won't have a choice, it could kill me. And I am praying to God we just get 1 or 2. (we really want 2 though!) If we get 3 or more, I will be so heartbroken, you will have NO idea, but I am not gonna worry about that unless it happens. I go back in the morning for another ultrasound and see how big they are, some of the follicles are small though, and they are hoping they don't get any better. They are going to monitor me more with ultrasounds and blood and see if they get any better. The did my blood work and my estrogen level is over 600! So that is GREAT! I also should be getting my Trigger Shot tomorrow then IUI on Wednesday! I will let you know what happens after my appt tomorrow but we definitely know I AM GETTING PREGNANT THIS CYCLE!! Please keep us in your prayers!

***UPDATE: I almost forgot something very important, just say we had to do a Selective Reduction (which I know we won't!) It will put the other baby(ies) at even higher risk of miscarrying. Because Selective Reductions put the other babies at risk for some reason, not sure why, doctor didn't tell me why. And I am already at the highest risk of miscarrying because of all the health problems I have cause miscarriages esp the blood disease, it causes recurrent miscarriages and the fact that I have already had 3, but I know I will NOT miscarry again when I get my BFP this cycle, but still please pray for me and Baby Hang(s)***

Sperm Morphology (Teratozoospermia.)

So as most of you know my Husband has Sperm Morphology (Teratozoospermia) which means his sperm is abnormal and he only has 1% normal sperm. I am researching this and I want do let you know what I learn, so ya'll know what I am actually dealing with and for those who's Husband has this also, and who just wants to learn about this. So sit back and let's begin. Approximately 15-20% of couples attempting to achieve pregnancy in the United States each year face difficulties with fertility. Of those couples, a pure "female factor" is repsonsible for about 35-40% of cases. Another 35% of cases are purse "male factor" Couple with combination of male and female factors account for the remaining 25-30% of cases. Therefore, a male infertility factor plays a part for more than 50% of couples unable to conceive on their own. Now back to Sperm Morphology (Teratozoospermia) The sperm can not penetrate the egg because of the abnormal shape of the sperm. And you need to directly go to In Vitro Fertilization(IVF) with ICSI. What is ICSI you ask? ICSI is an acronym for intracytoplasmic sperm injection - which is a fancy way of saying "inject sperm in the middle of the egg" ICSI is a very effective method to fertilize eggs in the IVF lab after they have been retrieved from the female. ICSI has revolutionised our approach to the infertile man, and it promises the possibility for every man to have a baby, no matter how abnormal his sperm. Pregnancy success rates for IVF procedures with ICSI have been shown in some studies to be higher than for IVF without ICSI. This is because in many of the cases needing ICSI the female is relatively young and fertile (good egg quantity and quality) as compared to some of the women having IVF for other reasons. In other words, the average egg quantity and quality tends to be better in ICSI cases (male factor cases) because it is less likely that there is a problem with the eggs.This picture on the right is intracytoplasmic sperm injection. Unfortunately, many doctors still offer IUI treatment for men with Teratozoospermina. The hope seems to be washing the sperm will help the doctor to recover the "best sperm" and since only one sperm is needed to fertilize the egg, then IUI will improve the chances of achieving a pregnancy. Unfortunately, IUI is a terrible treatment for Teratozoospermia, which is a very low pregnancy rate. The problem is that men with Teratozoospermia have sperm which functionall incompetent, which is why washing the sperm and doing IUI does not help. The diagnosis of poor sperm morphology can be such a blow to one's ego --- it is so totally unexpected, because it is not associated with other symptoms or signs. Men react differently - but common feelings include anger with the wife and the doctor; resentfulness about having to participate in infertility testing and treatment since they feel having babies is the woman's "job"; loss of self-esteem; and temporary sexual dysfunction such as loss of desire and poor erections. Many men also feel very guilty that because of "their" medical problem, they are depriving their wife the pleasures of experiencing motherhood. Unfortunately, social support for the infertile man is practically non-existent, and he is forced to put up a brave front and show that he doesn't care. Since he is a man, he is not allowed to display his emotions. He is expected to provide a shoulder for his wife to cry on - but he needs to learn to cry alone. However, remember that the urge for fatherhood can be biologically as strong as the urge for motherhood - and we should stop treating infertile men as second class citizens!!

As for my Husband and I, I am completely there for him and assure him that this is NOT his fault, that God has just delt this hand to us. He is the love of my life and just because of his Infertility, I do NOT love him ANY less, I have Infertility of my own. And it does NOT make him any less of a man or me any less than a woman. I know how hard his sperm issues have been on him, even though he doesn't say it, and he says it's his fault I can't get pregnant and that I have to go through all these Fertility meds, Injections and IUIs, but I do NOT blame him ONE BIT. As I sit here and write this, a lot of tears are rolling down my cheeks. I don't know what I would do without my Husband, he is my first love, my first everything, my high school sweetheart, my one and only., and we have been together 7 years this month. And to know what he is going through with this, it breaks my heart. It also breaks my heart every single month we get a BFN because I see his heart breaking... It is not his or my fault we have Infertility, God gave it to us because he knows that we are strong enough to handle it. All you Fertiles, do you how it feels to see your Husband's heart breaking so badly every single month and there is nothing you can do to heal it but be there for him? He wants to be a Daddy as much as I want to be a Mommy, if not probably even more so. And I will do EVERYTHING in my power to get him his baby, I don't care about all the physical pain or mental pain I have to go through, I am doing this for my Husband, our future baby and of course myself. But mostly for my Husband. *>>Bruce, I want you to know that I do NOT blame you, that we will get our baby one way or another. You will be the greatest Daddy and I can't wait to see the look on your face when we get our BFP and we will. Know that I love you more than anything in this world, as much as a person can love another. And that you are my hero.<<* I obviously had a lot of more researched but didn't have enough time to get it all, if you want to know more, go ahead and google it. :)

I Love My Fertility Clinic!

So I had my appt for IUI #3 Today, they did an ultrasound and everything looks perfect!! I didn't wanna try the Femara again because I wasn't having the best results, so I asked about doing Injections instead. And they told me I could do that and do the IUI (instead of timed intercourse) and they gave me all the Injections for FREE!!!! It would have came out to a 1,000$, but they know that this is our last IUI cycle and how much money we have already spent for a package for 3 IUI's. I am just beyond happy we got the Injections for free!! I will start them Tonight, but Bruce will have to give them to me, in my stomach no less. Not looking forward to that but I heard it doesn't hurt all that bad and the needle isn't really that long. They started me off on a low dose , I go back Friday for another ultrasound to see how the Injections are working and if they need to they will up the dose. I truly love everyone that the clinic! They are just SO sweet and nice and actually understand!! They also took me off the Fibromyalgia med but are letting me stay on my Klonopin, thank god! This is MY month to get pregnant! And I just know it is going to happen!! Keep them crossed!!

Never Giving Up On You.

IUI #3 Cycle Day 4

To My Dearest Angel-in-Waiting,

After hearing that IUI #2 did not work, I wanted to give up, I was totally heartbroken and cried hours for you. I was ready to just stop all of it, but your Daddy said no, that it will happen. Your Daddy and I have been chasing you for 3 years now, and sometimes it seems as if we will never get you, but after a lot of thinking and talking to God, I do know that he will send you to us, one day. And we will not stop until you are in your arms. I'm just so confused on why we have to wait so long for you. But I do know that God has a reason for it. I don't want you to EVER think that Mommy will give up on you, because that would never happen, not in a million years. You are mine, forever mine. You may not be here with Daddy and Mommy yet, but you are ours. I don't care what anyone says, you will be conceived by your Father and I. And until then I will do EVERYTHING in my power to conceive you. And when you get here you will be love unconditionally , more than any other child out there. You will have the greatest home any child could ask for, and of course the best parents in the world. You are already so loved by so many people and not just by Daddy and me. I am so sorry that I said I was done yesterday, I did not mean it, Mommy was just beyond heartbroken and I thought you would never come to us. And I hope that did not hurt you in anyway, I just say thing when I am really hurt. But trust me my little lady bug, Mommy won't give up and you will find your way into Daddy's and mine arms. It will be a miracle just to conceive you, and God does miracle every single day my love. I love you with all of my heart and soul. And I can't wait to meet you my darling. Hang in there sweetiepie, you will be with us soon.

Love from a Mother-in-Waiting.

"Above all else, know this: Be prepared at all times for the gifts of God and be ready always for new ones. For God is a thousand times more ready to give than we are to receive."

Don't Make Decisions When Your Upset.

Yesterday after finding out my 2nd IUI failed, I chose to not do our last IUI and just do IVF... I was very upset, still am, and I just thought another IUI would be a total waste of time, because 2 haven't worked, so why would a 3rd? Well after thinking a lot about it, I am going to do our last IUI! I am calling Monday to set up an appt for IUI. I'm gonna see about doing Injections instead of Femara. A few people told me to not make decisions when you are upset/mad, and they are right!! Most the time you will make the wrong decision for yourself and your family. I am really upset with myself for making that decision yesterday because I know my Husband wants to do the last IUI, but told me to do whatever I want. I'm going to take this weekend to not think of Infertility or IUI and I think it will be good for me!! IUI #3 here I come!! :) Third time is the charm!! And if it comes to IVF, then it comes to IVF, nothing we can do about it, but with IVF. We don't be doing IVF (if comes to that) until we PCS to Ft. Campbell KY/TN. I really don't wnt to go through IVF because everything you have to do, I even hate going through IUI, but I will do WHATEVER IT TAKES for my future child.

Fibromyalgia And IUI #2 Resuts.

So Today I was diagnosed with a THRID Autoimmune Disease (As if Lupus and my other isn't enough, LOL) Fibromyalgia... I had a good idea that I had it because my mother had Fibro also and I'm JUST like my mother. I know that Fibro isn't as bad as Lupus or life-threatening like Lupus, so I know I can handle this also. I'm just so upset about having yet another one. My Doctor started me on Fibro meds, that will also help me sleep, and put me back on my Klonopin, so that should help me sleep also. Also my leg's may have blockage (small blood clots, I'm at high risk for them cause my other autoimmune disease: Antiphospholipid Antibody Syndrome and my blood disease, MTHFR Diease) I get purple, yellow stops on my legs, my feet turn BRIGHT red. So he is sending me to a Specialist for that. What fun, LOL!! Now on to my results, well it's negative... And all I will say is I bawled my eyes out nearly 2 hours and I am still very upset about it, and then AF happened to show up a few hours after.. We chose not to do the last round of IUI and will be getting the money for IVF!! YAY! So we will do IVF when we PCS to Ft Campbell, next month. And until then we are still going to TTC naturally. Even with a 1% of getting pregnant, I don't care, we talked about it and we still going to try while we wait for IVF. I am not sure what else to say, but this cycle and this negative is one of the hardest I have gone through..My heart is about ripped out of me and stomped on. *sighs* But I know everything will work out how it is meant to. I just want to thank, other than my Husband of course, all you wonderful ladies who have been here for me throughout the day, I don't know what I would do without you.

Tampons, Endometriosis And Infertility.

I was talking to a friend last night about tampons and how it could effect your Fertility, so I chose to do some research, and have been researching this for the last 4 hours, haha! Did you know not only can tampons cause Toxic Shock Syndrome (TSS) but possibly be associated with everything from Endometriosis to Infertility. And even potential to cause female cancers. Ok, let's rewind. Dioxins are chemicals which are toxic and are usually a by-product of plastics and chlorinated products. Dioxin is the most deadly man made chemical, a second in line to radioactive waste. Dioxin is found in items which have been bleached, including paper (which is made from wood pulp and chlorine) Unfortunately tampons are also made from wood pulp and chlorine and called rayon. In 1994, the Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) issued a report that states that dioxins are known to cause cancer in animals, and probably cause cancer in people. The EPA also has determined that people exposed to high levels of dioxins may be at risk for a damaged immune system, increased risk of pelvic inflammatory disease (PID), and reduced fertility. Recent research on monkeys has linked dioxin exposure with an increased risk to develop Endometriosis. One study found that 80% of the monkeys exposed to dioxin developed Endometriosis, and the higher levels of exposure caused the development of more severe forms of the disease. Tampons contain low levels of dioxins so the FDA satys it is fine. But, according to the EPA, there really is no "acceptable" level of exposure to dioxin.

Many people are unaware that cotton plants are one of the most heavily sprayed crops- sprayed with chemical herbicides and pesticides. Both of these substances contain known carcinogens (cancer causing substances like dioxin) as well as hormone disruptors. The effect of pesticides on the unborn child and its link with miscarriage has also been well documented. Tampons derived from these 'conventional' cotton fields are then bleached with chlorine gas to change the cotton from its natural cream colour to make them white - which we apparently find more 'aesthetically pleasing' as consumers. Some companies have also sneakily started using the sythetic fibres rayon and polyester in tampons as they are cheaper to manufacture than natural cotton. When inserted into the most delicate part of our bodies- the birth canal, not only do these chemicals significantly increase our risk of cervical cancer, but they also change the natural Ph balance of our cervical mucous (a primary factor for natural conception) as well as effectively kill sperm. I didn't know any of this and I'm not sure if any of ya'll do so I wanted to share what I have learned. I am throwing away all the tampons and using pads! I don't need to risk getting anything else because of tampons. For those who don't want to wear pads (I know they are just beyond nasty) find some Organic tampons. I just wanted to share what I have learned and boy did this take me forever! ;)

Letting Go Of Fear.

IUI #2 - 7dp-IUI.

To My Dearest Angel-in-Waiting,

I am starting to get scared that I may never conceive you or hold you in my arms. I will never give up on you, never. I am worried you may get lost and never come to me. My faith keeps getting tested and what if I can't over come everything to get you here safe and sound. I know that I need to hold on a little longer and stay strong, and I will finally have you. I know that we are truly meant to be together, I don't know when, but I just know that we will be together one day, but I am still scared. I want you to know how much I already love you, that I will do anything I can to get you here safe and sound. That you will never be forgotten, that you are the reason why I am doing all this even though it is painful to Mommy. That my heart will forever be yours, that you are the reason why I will never give up. There is so much I want to tell you, and when you are finally in Mommy's womb, I will tell you how much I love you every single day for the rest of my life. There's not a day that goes by where I do not think of you. I promise to never give up and ask I thing from you, to get here safe and sound, so that I can hold you every single day, kiss you, watch you sleep, feed you, love you, bathe you, play with you and of course tell you how much I love you. We will be together soon my love. As I sit here and write to you, I have thought a lot and that I will no longer scared or fear that I may not get you. Because I am now leaving it all in God's hands. God did not give me a spirit of fear, but of love, power and a sound mind. Fearing won't get me any where, it will only bring me down, so my baby, I am no longer fear that you will never come, because I know deep down in my heart that we will finally be together, one day. I love you my Angel-in-Waiting.

Love from a Mother-in-Waiting

"When we let go of fear, only then can we gracefully move from what was into the miracle of what can be."

Blog Award.

I got this wonderful award from Ashley. She has always been there for me, and I dunno what I'd do without her!! :)

Beautiful Blogger Award

• Thank the person who nominated you for this award.
• Copy the award and place it in your blog.
• Link the person who nominated you for this award.
• Tell us 7 interesting things about you.
• Nominate 7 bloggers.
• Post the links to the 7 bloggers you nominate.

Seven Things About Me.

1. Reese's is my all time favorite candy!
2. I don't eat any fat from meat, it makes me gag!!
3. I am addicted to my BlackBerry Bold, it never leaves me hands until I'm sleeping and even then it it in bed with me, haha!
4. It's really hard for me to swallowed Prenatals.
5. I'm gonna go to college to be a Child Wellfare Social Worker.
6. My favorite color is pink.
7. I can not stand when my hands are dirty, I probably wash them like 100 times a day.

Seven Bloggers That I Pass This Award To:

1. Cara.
   
2. Holly.
   
3. Kate.
4. Nathalie.
5. Sarah.
6. Cheryl.
7. Jenn.

I wish I could give all my girls this award, but I could only pick 7. So this is in no order or anything like that.

A Bit Confused..

So I went in for my ultrasound...turns out I have ONE follicle that's in my right ovary... And that follicle is still a TAD bit smaller than they want it, but they gave me my trigger shot and gonna do an ultrasound tomorrow morning before my IUI and make sure it's fine.. Also..they NEVER told me to stop the progesterone pills, then I asked today that I need to stop taking them, and that it should be fine because the lining of my uterus is fine and has 3 layers which it's suppose to for ovulation she told us. Does that all sound right with ya'll?? Also my Husband and I think (not about this) that..well it just seems as if they are not telling us stuff... I can't explain why we feel that way, we just do. He brought it up on the car ride home and I told him I felt the same way. I just don't know anything about this because this is only our 2nd IUI and other than that we have been trying naturally for the past 3 years. So I am not sure if they are right or wrong in this... Can someone please tell me if that all sounds right?? Haha..sorry!! Thank you. :) I also want to take the time to thank each and every one of you who have been praying for my Grams, Family and Family. Also about our IUI and me getting my BFP. I can not thank you enough, just know that it means the world to me, and I keep every single one of you in my prayers. And I know each and every single one of you, no matter your Infertility issues, will get your BFP, also know I'm ALWAYS here for you, around the clock, 24/7. :) Stay strong ladies!!

Trigger Shot A No Go.

So we went into our Fertility Clinic for an Ultrasound to see if I'm ready for my Trigger Shot and IUI the following day.. Well I have 1 Follicle in each ovary, but they are not ready just yet. So I have another Appt Thrusday for an Ultrasound. The Doctor told me that she thinks I'll get the Trigger Shot Thursday, then IUI Friday, but then told me if they are not ready Thrusday, then IUI may be Saturday or Monday. So we should know more Thursday, I hope my little Follicles are mature by then. I have to admit I was a little disappointed in not doing IUI Tomorrow, but I know my Follicles need to mature, so I am fine with it. :)

I Really Need Some Prayers.

I just found out Today my Grams, also my adoptive Mother who raised me, has lung cancer. I honestly really don't know what to say. My Grams and I are best friends, I tell her everything, and we are just beyond close. I love her more than any word could ever describe. She has been here for me, through EVERYTHING, keeping me strong, keeping me to go on. She is my hero. My Grams is very young, she is only in her 60's. She raised my older brother, younger sisters and myself. I know that I need to be strong, for her, my family and myself. As if right now, I can't stop myself from crying, I know that I need to stop crying and be strong. My Brother told me that I need to be strong right now esp for her, and I'm going to. I doubt I'm doing the 3rd IUI next month, I think after this IUI I'm gonna have the Army fly me home for a few weeks, but the thing is the Army is trying to move us NEXT month! I just really need to get home and be with her right now. Bruce is going Monday to see when the Army can get me home. In a few weeks my Grams is gonna start treatment, which I'm guessing is Chemo because my Brother said her hair would fall out... I guess her cancer is stage 4, and already bad off... And the treatment is going to slow it down and help her with the pain. If you knew my Grams, you would know that this amazing woman is a fighter, she is the strongest person I know, and I know that she will and can beat this. I don't care what the doctors say, she will beat this. And we have God on our side! :) I know that everything will be alright. I have faith in my Lord. Will you please pray for my Grams, my Family and me, it would mean the world to me, thank you!

Early 2008, From when I went home for a month to visit my Family. My little sister, AJ and I, took some wild pictures with my Grams!! Yes, I know she's badass!! ;)

We're ganstasssssss! ;)


HAHA!! I LOVE MY FAMILY!!


We're crazyyyyyyy! Tehee!! Loves it!!

IUI round 2.

So my appt for IUI #2 went great. They are gonna put me back on Femara for 4 days, then I go back in the 12th for my trigger shot, well for another ultrasound to make sure I'm ready for my trigger shot, then next day IUI. When I was in my appt, my dr was finally in there. (Didn't see him at all last round)and he said the Femara did work and told me we are gonna need to do about 200 IUI's to even get pregnant, because my Husband only has 1 %normal sperm. That we have less than 2% to even get pregnant with IUI. I'm sitting thinking wtf 200?! Last year he did tell us we have a 2% with IUI but he didn't say I'd need to do around 200 IUI's! This really upsets me and I'm sitting in my car crying. Am I ever gonna get pregnant? How the hell can I stay positive now? I'm gonna try my hardest, it's just gonna be so hard now. Then he tells me "don't be upset that it didn't work the first time" I started to tear up during my whole damn appt. *sighs* I just pray to God this round of the 3rd works. I really hope God has a plan for us..Right now I just have NO idea what it is. Is 3 years of trying to conceive not long enough!??! Also if I don't get pregnant this round, gonna do injections next round. So I guess we shall see.. I start the Femara Today. Yay for being hormonal!

Our 1st IUI Round Comes To An End.

So tomorrow is the last day of the 1st IUI round, and I go in for a blood test. Whatever results I get, I'm gonna stay positive and if I get a BFN I'm gonna remind myself I still have 2 more IUI rounds, I know one will work, and I have faith in my God. If I get my BFP, I will be bawling my eyes out and it'll be the happiest day of our life, until our baby is born, then obviously that'll be the happiest day of our lives. These 16 days have been the longest of my life! I'm guessing it's because we did IUI that it seems so long and probably the fact I've been having a lot of pregnancy symptoms. It's been SO hard not to POAS, but I don't really trust them and what's the point in spending money, when my blood test is free? I have been beyond positive during this IUI 2ww and I will remain positive no matter what results I get. I'm not saying I won't get upset if it's a BFN, because I will be totally crushed, but I will pick myself up and try again. I think the worst part will be, seeing my Husband heartbreaking because he was SO very excited, probably more than me, LoL. But as this 1st IUI round comes to an end, I have learned a few things. Before this cycle, I'm usually positive, also negative but usually more negative than positive. I have not been negative at all during this whole cycle. By being totally positive, it has also kept me stress-free, yes you heard right. I have not been stressing out about this, like every cycle I seem to do. You ask how I can be stress-free during this? Well by staying positive and trusting God. I know he has a plan for my Husband and I, and I know that we will have our own child. :) I also have learned, that me and Femara don't mix well, as well as these progesterone pills, haha! So I'm 16dp-IUI and yesterday I started spotting, which is very weird for me, then I stopped. But now I'm spotting again, so I'm not sure what's going on, but I'll get all my answers tomorrow! I haven't been stressing about it because it could very likely be implantation, yes I've been a little worried that it could be AF, but then again spotting is not normal for me. So I'm only hours away from my blood test, and no matter what I'll remain positive. It won't be the end of the world if I get a BFN and if I get a BFP it will be the beginning to a new world. :) Please pray for my Husband and I!