Now It's A Race, But We Have A Plan!!

So Bruce and I got back from Oklahoma, where I am from, last night. We were only there a week due to a death in the family, but yes I am moving back home this summer when he deploys. I think a lot of you got confused. We are moving from Colorado next month, yes we did pack our whole house and storage it in Oklahoma. We do have a bed, TV, PS3, netbook, and my 4 suitcases of my clothes and shoes. :D And he has his stuff here. So we are good! ;) We left our Husky in Oklahoma, because traveling with her is just a lot and she is so big, so we thought it would be easier to leave her in Oklahoma at my house since I am moving back home soon anyway, but of course you know my Chi-babies are with me. Juliet, Angel and Bella slept on my lap the whole way back...12 hours..LoL and Romeo on Daddy's of course!!

So since Bruce is deploying this summer, we are now at a race to get conceive (naturally right now) before he goes..and I hate saying that because getting pregnant is NOT a race. But in all honestly we are TTC'ing as much as we can.. And of course praying to God! So it kinda feels like a race. If I don't get pregnant before he goes I will be completely crushed... Now we were gonna do IVF before he left but now that I have to pay for an Attorney, we can't. Now what we are doing is..we are gonna do a few more IUIs while he is gone, I don't know how many (I'd have to travel back to Kentucky since his froze sperm will be there..) but then we are going IVF with ICSI when he gets home..if necessary.. So that is our plan! But of course we are really hoping and praying to get pregnant before he goes. AF is due Monday, hoping she don't show, but if I am not pregnant I want her to show right on time because we are having a weekend getaway, "conception moon" on the 3rd, 2 days before I ovulate. :) We planned a getaway anyway because he wanted to do one before he leaves, and what better way to turn it into a "conception moon" But of course it's not gonna be all about TTC, it is all about US!

So tomorrow morning, I have an appt with my Infertility Doctor..because I am pretty sure I have a cyst on my left ovary from all the Fertility Drugs, so "Wandy" for me tomorrow morning.., ucky!! I feel my left ovary, then I feel something on top of it, that feels kinda big and hurts beyond bad!! I can't touch it, put Any pressure near there or my lower left back... Please pray for me..

So I am VERY happy that we have a a plan, I'm not stressing as bad, but I still kinda am, but not as bad since we have a plan. I really hope we get conceive on our own, and by the time he is home I will around a 3 month old!! I have prayed very hard, you don't re-pray everyday about it, you remind God your prayer, everyday. I learned a lot from my Grandpa when I was home, so I learned a lot about praying, how to pray RIGHT, so hopefully he answers our prayers! So we may be going to a Hot Spring for our Conception Moon or what do you think?? Look up and give me some ideas!! I will do the same and post another post about it tomorrow!! :) Thank you!

First Cycle Since IUI.

So this is our first cycle since our last IUI. I am on CD 22 and 8dpo. I know that we only have a 1% trying to conceive naturally, but with God all things are possible. I have prayed so hard to let this be the cycle I get pregnant and to let me get pregnant before he deploys this summer... You have to be exact when you pray, my Grams told me. So I just prayed and asked God exactly what I want for my husband and I. I prayed so hard that tears just began to fall down my cheeks. I believe in the power of praying, and I am faithfully putting this in God's hands. Yes, I have said that before, but this time I honestly mean it. With all of my heart, I mean it. And I know that God can do miracles, he can do ANYTHING, he is God, the creator of all things. He said "be fruitful and multiply." And that is what I am going to do. I know in last night's post fear was coming back, but this morning, I talked to God and prayed, and realized I am taking that fear, that the Devil has stoned upon me and throwing it out of my life. I WILL get pregnant before Bruce deploys, and I will have a very healthy baby 9 months later. I am no longer scared, worried or fear that I won't ever get pregnant. I know I will. God will give Bruce and I our little one. God does have a plan for Bruce and I, and I know it's going to be so amazing. Because I know part of that, is having a baby. And even though the doctors said I can only get pregnant with IVF and have that 1% of conceiving naturally, I don't care what percent they give us. I am getting pregnant NATURALLY, with the Lord's help of course.

Fear And It's Ugly Head!

CD21 7dpo

To My Dearest Angel-in-Waiting,

I know I told you I was letting go of fear of not ever having you, but it's rearing it's ugly head back into my life.. Your Daddy is fixing to go back to war and fight the bad guys and I am scared I won't have conceived you before he leaves, and the doctors wanna do a hysterectomy.... I don't want to do that, but this pain is just getting way TOO bad..and I'm so tied all the pain meds.. I am scared my sweetpea. I am scared I will never give birth to you, I am scared I will never get to hold you, I am scared I will never get to feed you, I am scared I will never get to bathe you, I am just beyond scared, of not getting to do ANYTHING that a mother gets to do with her newborn baby. Everyone around me is having their baby and I want mine, I want YOU. Every time I am out and about and see a mother comforting her baby, I wonder if I will do that for you? Or when a mother gives her baby their bottle, will I ever do that for you? Or when a mother is pushing her baby in a stroller, will I ever get to do that to you? I wonder so many things. I wonder will I EVER have you? And if so, when? Mommy is trying to not let this fear get the best of me. But sometimes negative thoughts and fears pop into my head, like right now. Now that we are trying to conceive you naturally again, it's even harder, because the doctor told daddy and I that we have a 1% of conceiving naturally.... Then told us we may never even get to have you if we don't do IVF, and that we should just adopt. It was so hard for mommy and daddy to hear the doctor tell us these things... Your Daddy is ALWAYS so positive and keeps the faith. I don't know how he does it, I really don't. He does not have this fear..I admire him for it. We already love you sooo much and we can't picture life without you ever not being in it. I'm just so lost at words sweetpea. Mommy is going to work on this problem I am having and get this fear out of my mind and life!! I love you so much my little sweetpea and I can't wait til your growing in mommy's tummy then home in my arms. Stay strong and Mommy will do the same. I love you so much my sweet Angel-in-Waiting.

Love From A Mother-in-Waiting

Endometriosis And Chronic Pelvic Pain.

March is Endometriosis Awareness Month!!

I have been dealing with Endometriosis and Pelvic Pain since the age of 12. My pelvic pain turned into Chronic Pelvic Pain when I was 15, it wasn't just on my period, but every single day. All the doctors thought I was making up the pain...So I went a new GYNO when I was 16 and he put me on Percocets. Then a few years later WHEN I was 18, he wanted to do surgery, a Laparoscopy, and see what is causing such pain, that is every day. He said that is not normal. So I had my first Lap in November 2006 and they found Endometriosis. He kept me on the Percocets, and said I need to have a hysterectomy or try to have kids, that I may never be able to. Do you know how that feels at the age 18 and your about to get married?? Then when I moved to Alaska and got married, I went to the Doctors, had no GYNO in Alaska then, so they wouldn't give me my Percocets (thank God I had a ton that my Doctor in Oklahoma gave me a lot) So I switched Doctors and she finally gave me Percocets. Then we moved to Colorado and my PCM put me on Fentanyl patches, which wasn't doing the job, then tried me on OxyContin, it worked but then stopped, so put me back on Fentanyl patches, this time 100mg, well it stopped working and he coulda upped it but then I asked for something else, so he tried Morphine, it worked for a while and he keep upping it (same with all the pain meds) So I asked to be put on OxyContin, which works better for me even tho Morphine is stronger. So I need to get it upped again. I take Percocets for the break thru pain.. And yes it's safe for me to be on OxyContin while TTC. I am on strong ass pain meds and still in A LOT of pain, everyday. I'm ovulating right now and yesterday I was starting to and the pain was so bad I had to take 6 perks for it to stop..for like 3 hrs, then I took a nap to slept some of it off... It is sooo bad because of all the fertility drugs, mainly the injections.. Pelvic pain is NOT like cramps, pelvic pain is a trillion times worse...I WISH I had cramps instead of this pelvic pain... I know most of you know what Endometriosis is. But March is Endometriosis Awareness Month! So still gonna blog about it. :)

The word Endometriosis comes from the Greek endon meaning "within" and the Greek metra meaning "uterus", akin to Greek meter meaning "mother" The word osis comes from the Greek and/or Latin suffix meanings "affected with, condition, abnormal process."

Endometriosis is the growth of cells similar to those that form the inside of the uterus (endometrial cells), but in a location outside of the uterus. Endometrial cells are the same cells that are shed each month during menstruation. The cells of endometriosis attach themselves to tissue outside the uterus and are called endometriosis implants. These implants are most commonly found on the ovaries, the Fallopian tubes, outer surfaces of the uterus or intestines, and on the surface lining of the pelvic cavity. They can also be found in the vagina, cervix and bladder, although less commonly than other locations in thepelvis. Rarely, Endometriosis implants can occur outside the pelvis, on the liver, in old surgery scars, and even in or around the lung or brain. Endometrial implants, while they can cause problems.

Now let's move on the pelvic pain, and trust me there is a HUGE difference between cramps and pelvic pain..

Chronic Pelvic pain is one of the most common medical problems among woman, that last more than 6 months and affects a woman's quality of life. Painful periods, pelvic pain may begin before and extend several days into your period and may include lower back and abdominal pain. Severity of pain isn't necessarily a reliable indicator of the extend of condition. Some woman with mild Endometriosis have intense pain, while other with some severe scarring may have little pain or even no pain at all. Pelvic pain at other times. You may experience pelvic pain during ovulation, a sharp sharp deep during intercourse, or pain during bowel movements or urination.

I want people who don't understand Endometriosis, to understand it and to understand how painful it really is... For some that have it, it's not as bad and they get cramps, not pelvic pain. Endometriosis can cause Infertility. Not everyone with Endometriosis will have a problem conceiving. I pray for every woman/girl who has it, because I know how painful it truly is... It affects my life SO BAD! I haven't done a lot of things because I am in bed Screaming/crying and drugged up because the pain is BEYOND bad...I pray we get a cure every soon and not just doctors telling us to get a hysterectomy. Even getting one, does not cure it and most people STILL have really bad pain.

How Can I Get Thru This? *UPDATE*

Last night my Grams, who also adopted me when I was 4 and raised me, lost her battle to lung cancer. My younger sister called me at 9:01pm and asked me if I was sitting down, I knew right then...I started screaming SOOO loud, my Husband ran up stairs and I kinda cried/screamed it out that she had passed..he rushed over to me and just held me as I screaminly cried at the top of my lungs. I kept trying to get away from him..was kicking my legs and the whole 9 yards... My sister was still on the phone and told my husband that I need to calm down..that pissed him off and me as well... I cried until I could not even cry anymore..had a few panic attacks, I stopped breathing, Bruce had to give me CPR a few times.. I am still in shock..I don't know what to do.. I was suppose to be home NEXT week to spend time with her..As I look at this picture of us...I can't believe it.. How could this happen?? I am bawling my eyes out while I write this... My Grams was a very hard working woman, super strong, never lost faith in God even when 2 of her children passed away within years of each other, or any other bad things that happened, she NEVER lost faith in God. She was the most loving mother, she did all she could for us kids. She was always there for me, about Infertility and my everyday battles. I am proud to say not only she is my Grams but my Mother as well. I am very blessed to have 2 mothers. They may be in Heaven, but I know they are both still here with me.

March 5th, 2010 *UPDATE* I am not doing so good with this..I am still in shock and just can't believe this is happening to me. I haven't cried much, since I found out, I guess because I just can NOT believe this, what so ever. My Grams has been there my WHOLE life and done such a great job in raising me. I honestly don't know if I can stay strong or be strong enough to get thru this. I know how strong of a woman I truly am, but this..I don't know... I am still dealing with my mom's death and now my other mother/grams'..Please tell me how am I suppose to get thru thrus? Because I don't know if I can..I just lost one (another) of the most important woman in my life..We should be going to Oklahoma on the 9th, the Judge should allow me to leave the state for this. I really can't wait to be home and I think it would help me, A LOT! I want to thank everyone who has been there for me, from the bottom of my heart, thank you SO much. It truly means the world to me.