Hysterectomy...??????

So I had to go back to the ER last night, due to my pelvic pain being so bad and nothing to control it with, since all these doctors in Oklahoma do not want to give me my pain meds. Well anyway, they did a pelvic exam and ultrasound. I've passed everything they said. The last few days I have been passing some BIG nasty looking stuff... Sorry if that is TMI, but it's gross and also hurts extremely bad! My pelvic exam on the other hand..they found cancer cells on my cervix. So they told me to just get in with my OB/GYN as soon as I can. I'm not sure what that means, them finding cancer cells, I was kinda out of it when I talked to the doctor. It's kinda freaking me out.

I've been thinking about getting a Hysterectomy the last few days. Trying to go thru the pros and cons. Of course I want to be able to carry my own baby but with my health, I don't think I can. And with my Endometriosis, they say after having a Hysterectomy the pelvic pain can get worse or better or go away completely. And I'm scared if I have it done then my pain gets worse...then I will be SOL! I have already tried Lupron and it didn't really help, I still had the worse pelvic pain. I've been on pain meds since I was 17 years old and I'm now 23. I want off of them!! I know I could always freeze a bunch of eggs, but just the thought of someone else carrying my baby just breaks my heart. But if it is best for me and the baby then that is what I am gonna have to do. This is just a HUGE decision.. I wish my Mother or Grams was here to talk to me about this... I know God will lead me in the right path.

All I want is to be a mother to a baby down here on Earth, but it just seems like it's not meant to be. And that just kills me. There are woman having babies and KILLING them! I try not to question God's will but if he already knew what would happen to these babies why would he give them to these women? When there are women like me that are going through Infertility and would do ANYTHING for that child and would NEVER harm their baby. A few friends AND family members have told me to just get a hysterectomy... I kinda feel like they are telling me to just give up. I've come so far how could it just end with a hysterectomy and me childless?

Constant Reminder And Baby Shower.

The last few days all I have been thinking about is the baby. I keep count how many weeks I'd be, 14, I kept thinking about the "what ifs" I try to stop but can't. That's all I dream about, still being pregnant. It's consently on my mind. After 4 years and 10 months of try to get pregnant I finally got pregnant and I don't understand why God would let me even get pregnant if he knew what the outcome would be. What was the point? Seriously? God given me a miracle where I bonded with that baby everyday all day long, I talked, read and sung to the baby, laying down for hours rubbing my belly, got to see the baby, got to see the heart actually beat and hear it, got the baby stuff, picked names out and had our plan, and I loved that baby more than I have ever loved before a much different kind of love, when He knew the baby wouldn't make it. I'll cherish those moments for the rest of my life and I'm happy I got to experince that but at the same time I wish God didn't let me get pregant. Is that wrong of me to say? I feel that it is but I can't help it, at the present time. I don't know how to handle this, cope or even where to begin to actually mourn, grieve and move on. I've been so strong for a long long time and I'm not sure if I can stay strong anymore. Traminc things keep happening to me and I've notice for sometime now that I just try to act as if none of it happened, my mom passed away in 2006, and I haven't even grieve. It's like I'm stuck in shock. But now with losing the baby and kept everything bottled up for all these years I'm about to explode. It was the one thing to make it all come back and start falling apart. I know that one day I won't feel this way, but I know it's gonna take some time and a lot of support. And I will get there. But it is a great thing that I can get pregnant naturally. That was the happiest I've ever been... And it's a constant reminder if I'll ever be fully happy again or if that was my only chance as becoming a mother.

So my cousins surprise baby shower is on Saturday, the day after my birthday, and my family wants me to go. I told them I'm not ready for that. I just can't go. And I know my cousin would understand but she don't even know about it. So I can't explain why I can't come. I could after she found out, I guess. I just hope she doesn't get mad but I'm pretty sure she will umderstand, I hope. If I went I'd just lock myself in the bathroom the whole time and cry. My heart can not handle that. My family doesn't understand why I can't go. Is it just wrong for me to not go? Should I go, put on a fake smile then bawl my eyes out when I get home? To be honest I'm not sure I could even sit there without crying infront of everyone. I know that that is what would happen. I'm a very sensitive person. I don't want to see her opening gifts, baby shower games, everyone talking about her pregnancy and baby. That may be very selfish of me but right now I just can't do it. It'll be too painful, hell it's very painful writing about it. I'm not trying to be selfish in anyway and I'm happy for her but like I said, I can't do that, it's way too soon for anything like that.

........

So I went in for my ultrasound on the 2nd... and as all of you already know... the baby had no heartbeat.. I couldn't even say a word to my ob...I was speachless and in shock... I don't understand how we saw the heart actually beating a week and half before then it just stops?? I don't understand..the baby was bigger also..so the baby was growing... My heart is just..what is the best word for this...gone... The baby's heartbeat was going up my levels were doubling..well more then doubling..everything was looking soo great!! I haven't been handling it very well.. I have never been so depressed in my life. I'm not sure on how to even cope with this.. All I seem to do is cry cry and cry some more. I was doing every single thing right and everything the doctor told me. I love that baby more than anything I have ever loved... I got way too attached.. I shouldn't have let myself but that's just impossible when you have another life growing inside you. I'm just not doing great, I'm far from ok.. I was finally truly fully happy..now I don't know if I will ever be fully happy again. Ryan doesn't know if he wants to even try to get pregnant and that just breaks my heart. All I want is to be a mother, to his kid, that is what I am meant to do. I have had so many thoughts running through my head but I can't seem to write them on here at the moment... I just don't know if I can do this.. There were 3 pregnancy annoucements and I just cried so hard..one of the ones I guess I fainted, Ryan said, from crying so hard.. I don't uderstand why others get pregnant esp with 2 or more and I can't even carry 1?! :( God please help me through this... I knwo I'm angry at you right now but please help me, I can't get through this without you... In no way am I looking for people to feel sorry for me, I just need my friends to be here for me, I need a lot of support right now..

I was finally starting to show...

Whoa These Symptoms!

I have been having such a rough time with this pregnancy, but not complaining, loving every minute of it!! I never thought pregnancy would be so hard but my OB told me it's harder on me due to all my health problems...?? Hmmm.. This pregnancy has been taking such a huge toll on my little body.. I've still been on bed rest to get the baby's heart beat up, which hopefully it is on Monday!! I have been having every 1st trimester symptom, but ing...yet *fingers crossed* hope I get lucky with that!! Just hoping I start to feel better when I hit the 2nd Trimester. I have been extremely tired, even too tired to even shower or do my make up!!! Blow drying my hair just makes me take a nap!! My boobs having been KILLING me! I don't think push-up bras are the best bras for pregnancy, aha!! May try a sports bra. Always hungry, but never know what I wanna even eat, LoL! Very hormonal! Morning sickness is sooo bad thank God for Zofran! Been my best friend! I have been feeling A LOT of stretching in my stomach, it hurts really bad, I can't imagine how bad it's gonna hurt when I'm like 7 months pregnant. ;) A lot more is going on with my body even tho it's been tough I am enjoying every second of being pregnant!! I'm finally gonna be a mommy!! EEEEK!! It's finally my turn! Can you believe it??!! I am already starting to show!! Only those around me know that I am pregnant tho. But I guess you show sooner when your slim. I will be 8 weeks come Monday! AT THE END OF THE 2ND MONTH WOOHOO!!! I have an ultrasound Tuesday and I am beyond excited!! I can't wait to see our baby again!! We already have a few names kinda picked up, but of course not gonna share them til a little while after we found out the sex!! I have been having so many pregnancy dreams. Where I am holding the baby. I had a delivery dream...oooh it really scared me!! One with taking the baby to the park. But it none of them did it show if the baby was a boy or girl...weird huh???My OB did call this week and my levels went back up all the way too 16,000s!!! YAY!!! Everything is looking beyond great now!! Still holding my breath of course!!

Oh how mommy loves you so much already!!!

2 More ER Trips.

Last Thursday I started spotting after intercourse and me being me I freaked out and went to the ER. Come to find out I'm RH negative so they gave me the RhoGAM shot. Well then come Tuesday I started bleeding more so Ryan took me to the ER, again. They did an ultrasound and were finally able to detect the heartbeat. But it was at 93, they said they want it about 120.. The doctor gave me a few shots of Demerol and put me on bed rest. I went to see my OB Tuesday for another ultrasound, beta and results from the week before beta. Come to find out my levels dropped by 1,000. And the heartbeat was the same. So she said come back Friday(yesterday) So I went back and the heartbeat went up to 100! Still low but shows that the baby is fighting and I just have a strong feeling that this baby will make it, I can't explain how I know or what I feel but I do. We also got to see the baby's heart beating!!!!! I also should get my beta results on Monday or Tuesday, but hopefully Monday. My OB wants me to come back on 2nd...2 weeks???!!! How is that safe?! I think she should be watching the baby more carefully. I also think I am going to change to my friend's OB come Monday. He is really great and a few of my friend's have delivered their babies with him. I also don't really trust my OB to deliver my baby, in March... So think I'm just gonna call and make an appt with this new one this week.

I've been trying to not stress and stay positive but it is very hard. I have never loved anyone as much as I love this baby. I have never even see an ultrasound or hear/see a heart beating this this pregnancy. This pregnancy has been hard but I know I can get through this and I will. I will do anything for this child. Whatever it takes.

7 WEEKS ON MONDAY!!

6 Weeks!! Also ER Trip.

Today I am 6 weeks pregnant!! I have made it to another week, YAY!! :) I've been having a very rough time with this pregnancy, already. I've been prescribed Percocet since 2005&OxyContin for the past 3 years. My doctor is refusing to give me my meds to ween me off, so shes making me stop cold turkey, you can't do that esp with OxyContin. I'm having the worst withdrawals, pain&pregnancy symptoms. She told me to go to rehab to detox but insurance don't cover it or I would. This could be stressing the baby out&we don't need that. So tomorrow I'm calling another doctor to get ween off the right way or even a medicine for stop the withdrawals. So just been stressing about that, a lot. I'm trying to stay calm, for the baby's sake. My main concern is the baby. Please pray that I find a doctor that helps us.

So I went to the ER Thrusday, they did a beta&an ultrasound. My beta was in the 5,000s!!! On the ultrasound they saw the sac&baby but too soon for heartbeat. They wouldn't let me see or tell me anything because they were not doctors..GRRR. I wanted to see, but I have an Ultrasound this Thursday! My very first!! I'm beyond excited&can't wait!! Counting down the days..hours..minutes. :) I will keep ya'll updated! :)

Beta #1 Also #2 Results.

So on Friday I called my OB/GYN . My beta/quant came back positive&it is 279! They also took another beta Friday to check my levels. I went today to get another beta&was suppose to get an ultrasound but they canceled the ultrasound. Which I should get the results tomorrow or Thursday, hoping tomorrow tho! The nurse called me this morning with my levels they came back in the 1,200s!!! So they more than doubled!!! Which I praise&thank God for!! I have an appt next Thursday on the 14th for another beta&for an ultrasound, but she may wanna do another beta before then. She canceled my ultrasound today so could see the baby next week. Which kinda upsetted me because I was so excited&counting down the days for the ultrasound but it's best I wait because I don't wanna have another ultrasound where we don't see the baby yet&hear the heartbeat! They told me this looks like it will be a normal pregnancy, so please continue to pray for our baby. :) I have such faith in this&in God. I just feel in my gut that the baby will be more that great&in 8ish months (don't know how far along I am yet) I will be giving birth to a beautiful healthy baby!!

Still been having every 1st Trimester symptom, but puking. I haven't started puking tho my morning sickness, nausea, has been so bad. Ryan also has been having morning sickness&extremely tired. My OB/GYN gave me some Finnegan, that I can take 1 every 6 hours, it's helping some but not too much. I'm also working with my doctors to get off my pain meds&anxiety meds. Just been in a lot of pain from the Endometriosis, which she said was normal with woman who have Endo. I've also been feeling that someone is like screatching my stomach out, like taking their hands&screatching it out. I asked her about that today, she said that is normal. Also my uterus has felt as if it's on fire, but she said that is normal with someone who has Endo.

This feels like the best dream I have ever had. It has hit me, yes, but I'm not sure all the way yet. I know once I see the baby&hear the baby's heartbeat that it will seem more real. After almost 5 years of Infertility...this is such a blessing&miracle. My old Infertility Doctor in Colorado said it would take over 200 IUIs to get me pregnant, so this is such a miracle! I'm just so thankful! Not taking any of this for granted. I just wish my Grams&Mother were still with us, so I could share this with them..my Grams was there when I started TTC... I know how happy she would be&same with my Mother. But I know they are watching down on me&here every step of the way, but just not the same as actually being here physically. I don't have any other 'Mother" figures in my life... ahh sorry starting to tear. Gotta stop talking/thinking about that.

Please keep my baby&me in your prayers, I would be so grateful, to anyone who is praying for us! I'll keep ya'll updated!! :) <3

BEAT THAT INFERTILITY!!!

So on Tuesday I had an appt with my ob/gyno to get on Lupron for my Endometriosis. I had told the nurse I was 2wks late but I was dealing with Infertility so I doubt I was pregnant. They had to test me anyway, esp before going on Lupron. So I left her my sample then just went back in the room&just prayed to God that I was&if I wasn't then I would understand. Another lady came in, guessing another nurse, &she said my doctor wanted me on Lupron&she didn't know what else to do. Well I figured the test came back negative. She left then like 10mins later my doctor came in&told me that the tests, she did 3, came back positive&showed up right after the urine came in contact with the hpt. Shocked&crying, I asked about 10 times, "I'm pregnant?!" Then I told her I needed to get Ryan, he was in the waiting room, I went out there, the nurse followed me, I told Ryan the dr wanted to talk to us then as soon as we got in the room I told him that I'm pregnant. His face just lite up. :) Doctor wanted to do an u/s so we went into the "pregnancy room" did an u/s but couldn't see anything, according to my last period I'd only be 6wks&2days, she said it was too early&to go get my levels checked&progesterone checked then come back in a week for another u/s also more blood work so she can compare them to see how many weeks I am&when I'm due.

So after over 4 years&7 months of trying to conceive, I AM PREGNANT!! This seems to be a huge dream!!! I'm just very excited&happy! I'm also very scared, since I'm at high risk, but I'm now starting to let that go&be positive. I'm leaving it in the Lord's hands&I know our baby will be safe&sound&very health. &in 8ish months I will be giving birth to a beautiful healthy baby! My symptoms have been crazy, I have every single 1st trimester symtom. With all my other pregnancies I didn't have ANY symptoms, so this is a great sign!!! I'm just over the moon happy, I have never been so happy before!! I can't wait even for all the rough times!! :)

Car Wreck...

So Friday night Ryan had to work&I was gonna go with him. We were driving in downtown Tulsa...this guy, come to find out he's 17, in this white truck almost runs us off the road&almost kills us... So Ryan saved us, then we get beside the truck, I roll down the window&we both flip him off, then sped up&got away for him..just went about our business. Our exit was coming up so Ryan puts on his blinker& he's clear but before he went over..I saw the white truck, coming on my side really fast&watched him jerk the wheel right at the car. I yelled baby... We were going 65mph.. The car spun out, as that happened, my life didn't fast before my eyes but kinda...I just saw what mattered most in my life, my family, pups, MJ, Ryan&if I would ever see them again. Ryan was the last thing I thought of&how much I love him&stuff......then I thought I was gonna die.. The car then hits a concrete wall. I black out....then remember Ryan by me telling me I'm ok. I just cried so hard... My seat belt had snapped&my chest hit the dashboard.. My sternum what was hurting the worse...but I couldnt feel most my body or move...it hurt to cry, talk&breath. Since I was in shock&scared too death my breathing wasn't right. The cops&amblances finally get there. The EMTs come to the car, one gets in the bsckseat&holds my neck. After the other ask me a bunch of questions they got me on a strecher. She hooks me up to an oxygen machine&an IV. She gave me pain meds but I didn't feel it then she gave me some anxiety meds to calm me down. Get to the er, Ryan hasn't left my side, they get me back into a room&more than one doctor came in, they started pushing on my whole body&I just remember how hard I started crying....I thought the pain was gonna kill me.. Xray time. Got my xrays done, I laid in my room for 30mins crying while waiting to be discharged, my broken bones but sternum almost is. My neck, back, breast plates, ribs...bruised internally&whole body messed up... We left..... Then some other stuff happened that night, not gonna get into that tho.

Changes.

There has been a lot of changes the past few months esp weeks. Ryan and I have been together about 6 months now. We have been together everyday, we are just always together and never apart, I love it. We just can't stand being apart and can't sleep without one another. He makes me so happy! I never knew love could feel this way or that is was possible, thought that was just in the movies. How could true love like this be real? How did I find it? I have never felt this way about anyone or ever came a tad bit close to the connection Ryan and I have. It's so amazing, he is extremely amazing, words can't describe how amazing everything is with him and him and me. No words can even come close to describe how much we love each other, no words. I'm just so happy.

On to the changes, my divorce was final the beginning of the month. So that is done and over with, finally! It was tough seeing Bruce, we are on good terms, was so emotional....we talked about just everything. I'm glad we talked though.

I've been staying at Ryan's with Romeo, Angel, Bella, Bruce took Juliet, for the past few weeks. There has just been so many changes and very fast. But I know that God has me where I'm suppose to be. Ryan has helped me so much and in so many ways that no one could. And the other way around. We have like everything in common, it's like we are the same person and we will be thinking about the same thing and finish each other's sentences. We know we are truly meant to be. I'm rambling, sorry, I just want the world to know, hehe. I just haven't blogged about him yet and have really been wanting to talk about my hunny with y'all! :)

So I have been going to grief classes every week. It's a 12 week program and I really think it will help me. It's been hard, though Tuesday is gonna be very hard they said, but I've made it this far! I just want to feel like I have my life back and not let losing both of my mothers control and ruin my life, so I have taken action! :)

It's Been A While.

I know it's been a few months since I have last updated, hell it's a new year, haha! A lot has been going on in the past few months, and when I say a lot I mean a lot...I dunno where to begin.. Bruce and I are getting a divorce... Why you ask? Well there are many reasons why but all I'm gonna say is Infertility has made us grown very apart and we both have changed... That's all I'm gonna say... We are staying on good terms and friends though. It feels more real now since I have been telling some people. I know these next few months are really gonna be hard on me...and with my moms and grams death anniversary coming up...I've been so depressed lately with those 2 dates coming up... *sighs* It's also gonna be hard stepping back into the Civilian World after 8 years of the Military life...it's just gonna be a tough adjustment for a while. I don't have much to say at the moment, well I do...just so many thoughts running through my brain that I can't slow it down and write what I want to say and all in order so it makes sense, LoL!

A lot of people keep asking me if I'm just gonna delete my blog and start fresh, answer is no because that's 5 years of my life right there so I'm keeping it up. I'm working on a new layout and new domain soon, so bare with me please. The divorce seems more real now since I'm blogging about it and changing my layout..I never wanted this to happen nor did I think it ever would..but I do know that everything happens for a reason, so there is a reason for this. I'm doing my best to move forward but I know it's gonna be a lot harder once he is home and I actually see him. But I know this is the best thing for me and his as well. It will be much better in the long run. *sighs* I will always love him though. I really just want my divorce to be final because I think it will be a little easier on me, with helping me move on...maybe??! I'm not really gonna blog much about my divorce but I will keep ya'll updated on what is going on..I'm just so tired of everyone asking me about Bruce, everyday, I can't take it..it's too painful...

Side note, I'm sick with bronchitis and the flu right now and with this cold snowy weather my Lupus, Fibromyalgia has flared up much worse same with my Arthritis...I just can't wait for Spring to get here but I know that Oklahoma has not seen the last of more snow and cold weather this Winter!! As much as I miss Alaska I'm so glad I'm not living there right now! It's late and I can't think too much more right now...but I am gonna try to blog everyday and get some new vlogs up as well, because I know blogging is gonna be a coping thing for me and help me, like it always does, like ya'll always do. I hope everything is well with ya'll, sorry I haven't been around much just too much going on, I also want to thank ya'll for being there for me, it means the world to me!!

Ohh...I found lumps on both my breasts..so I gotta call my GYNO and get in asap and make sure that it's not Breast Cancer or anything else bad... Please pray for me, thank you so much.