The last few days all I have been thinking about is the baby. I keep count how many weeks I'd be, 14, I kept thinking about the "what ifs" I try to stop but can't. That's all I dream about, still being pregnant. It's consently on my mind. After 4 years and 10 months of try to get pregnant I finally got pregnant and I don't understand why God would let me even get pregnant if he knew what the outcome would be. What was the point? Seriously? God given me a miracle where I bonded with that baby everyday all day long, I talked, read and sung to the baby, laying down for hours rubbing my belly, got to see the baby, got to see the heart actually beat and hear it, got the baby stuff, picked names out and had our plan, and I loved that baby more than I have ever loved before a much different kind of love, when He knew the baby wouldn't make it. I'll cherish those moments for the rest of my life and I'm happy I got to experince that but at the same time I wish God didn't let me get pregant. Is that wrong of me to say? I feel that it is but I can't help it, at the present time. I don't know how to handle this, cope or even where to begin to actually mourn, grieve and move on. I've been so strong for a long long time and I'm not sure if I can stay strong anymore. Traminc things keep happening to me and I've notice for sometime now that I just try to act as if none of it happened, my mom passed away in 2006, and I haven't even grieve. It's like I'm stuck in shock. But now with losing the baby and kept everything bottled up for all these years I'm about to explode. It was the one thing to make it all come back and start falling apart. I know that one day I won't feel this way, but I know it's gonna take some time and a lot of support. And I will get there. But it is a great thing that I can get pregnant naturally. That was the happiest I've ever been... And it's a constant reminder if I'll ever be fully happy again or if that was my only chance as becoming a mother.
So my cousins surprise baby shower is on Saturday, the day after my birthday, and my family wants me to go. I told them I'm not ready for that. I just can't go. And I know my cousin would understand but she don't even know about it. So I can't explain why I can't come. I could after she found out, I guess. I just hope she doesn't get mad but I'm pretty sure she will umderstand, I hope. If I went I'd just lock myself in the bathroom the whole time and cry. My heart can not handle that. My family doesn't understand why I can't go. Is it just wrong for me to not go? Should I go, put on a fake smile then bawl my eyes out when I get home? To be honest I'm not sure I could even sit there without crying infront of everyone. I know that that is what would happen. I'm a very sensitive person. I don't want to see her opening gifts, baby shower games, everyone talking about her pregnancy and baby. That may be very selfish of me but right now I just can't do it. It'll be too painful, hell it's very painful writing about it. I'm not trying to be selfish in anyway and I'm happy for her but like I said, I can't do that, it's way too soon for anything like that.
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