Next Step...InVitro.

We wanted to do this post together. My BlackBerry started ringing at 2 o' clock. It read Infertility Clinic. So I answered it, and at first I thought she said I have good news, so I said with very much excitment "You have good news?!!" The RE told me, "No, Roxanne, I am very sorry but it came back negative." My heart felt like a bullet went thru it, and I hurried to get off the phone, but she wanted me to come in on Monday for an ultrasound to make sure my ovaries are back to normal. So as soon as I made that appt, I hurried and said bye...Then I dropped to the floor, crying the hardest I have EVER cried. I kept saying, as I was crying and screaming (very loud, surprised no one called the cops) "How am I going to tell Bruce, how am I going to tell him I am not pregnant, yet again." So I called him crying...I told him...Then I told him I needed him very bad, so he told his SGT and they let him off early. He came home and just held me... Before he got home, I kept asking God "Why didn't this work?!!" I actually was cry screaming it. I just don't understand why it did not work...I had 14 great follicles, his sperm was at 100% mobility for the first time, what the hell?! After 3 years, this is by far the worst negative... I don't know what else to say, I am completely heartbroken, yet again.. All the vaginal ultrasounds, needles, hormones, injections, the pain...all for NOTHING. Not to mention the thousands we spent for 3 IUI cycles... We are moving on the 8th and once we get a house and I can get into the doctor and have him/her send me to yet another Infertility Specialist, we are doing IVF with ICSI. And I know I will get pregnant with that, it's a for sure thing, but that doesn't change what I am feeling now and how shattered my heart is.

I got a phone call from Roxanne and I heard her crying and I knew right then what she had to tell me. I also knew that I had to get home to her even before she said anything. I heard her say that she was not pregnant, well it was more like a scream. I told her that I would be home soon and got off the phone and went to talk to my NCO. When I saw him I told him I had to get home because my wife was freaking out, he asked me about what? I explained to him that my wife had a pregnancy test today and it came back negative and that it was our last IUI. He said ok, be back in the morning. From their I went from my car and drove as fast ask I could to my ailing wife. I got home, I ran upstairs I saw her just sitting there on the floor next to the bed, I didn't know what to say. It hurt so bad seeing her like that, knowing that she wanted this so bad. When she first called and told me she was not pregnant, it was hard to believe. It's been 3 years, a couple of thousand of dollars and a hell of a lot of heartache. And yet no baby. It hurt so bad to hear that we still aren't pregnant. Haven't we both suffered enough, what else do we have to go through to finally get the baby we already love so much. It's hard to stay positive when all we get is bad news. But I know that no matter what I will not stop trying to have the baby that my wife and I are meant to have.