Womb With A Story: Am I Closer to you?

Saturday, February 20, 2010

Am I Closer to you?

IUI #3 9dp-IUI

To My Dearest Angel-in-Waiting,

I have 5 days until my blood test, to see if I am pregnant with you(s) or not. I will be honest with you, I am getting scared my little angel-in-waiting. I want you more than anything in the world, and so does your daddy. Are you(s) growing in mommy's tummy right now? I know that I am meant to have you in my life, we are meant to be together. But I am scared I am not meant to get you right now, or maybe not even at all. I'm trying my hardest to stay positive and strong, but some days, like today, it is hard for mommy. I feel like giving up and just not going thru IVF (if this IUI is a failure) I hated going t

hru IUI, it hurt me so bad, with all the ultrasounds and all the extra hormones, extra blood work, and extra monitoring. I know that IVF is gonna be a lot more, but let's not even talk about IVF, UNLESS it comes to it. But I do want you to know, when I said I will never give up on you, I will not. At the moment, mommy is very confused and hurting. I have been fighting for you for over 3 years now, and it gets harder every month my love. Every negative, feels like another bullet in the heart. You are the reason why mommy is doing everything I am, risking my life for you, all the hormones, vaginal ultrasounds, blood work...etc. You are everything we have ever wanted, we dream of you, talk about you. We would love to just sit there and watch you sleep, I wouldn't care about not getting any sleeping, as long as I can sit there and watch you sleep. As this IUI cycle comes to an end, I am wondering If I am closer to you or not. Am I Baby Hang? Am I God? There are so many questions that no one can answer for me, and I don't like know what's going on or what's gonna happen or not happen. If you are growing in mommy's belly, I will do everything in my power to get you here, and here safe and sound and very healthy. I already love you more than words can even say or describe, and I know we will be together, and I really hope it is soon. I love you my sweetpea.

Love from a Mother-in-Waiting

"My job is to take care of the possible and trust God with the impossible"

4 comments:

AnonymousFebruary 22, 2010 at 1:28 AM
So very sweet. I am praying this is it for you!!
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MeganFebruary 22, 2010 at 8:35 AM
Beautiful letter. I'm keeping you in my thoughts and hoping you get exactly what you want!
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HollyFebruary 22, 2010 at 12:04 PM
fingers crossed for you and a positive beta soon!
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AnonymousFebruary 22, 2010 at 9:07 PM
That was beautiful sis. =)
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.A Little About Me.

Hi, I'm Roxanne. I first started this blog to blog about my quest for baby hang. I've been TTC for about 5 years now with no success. I was told my only option to conceive was with IVF, couldn't afford it so IUI it was, even with a less than 2% I wanted to try, so I did some IUIs, no luck. I very recently got pregnant, NATURALLY!!! But ended in a miscarriage at 8 and half weeks in Aug 2011. I am now pregnant again!! Due July 16th, 2012 This blog will be about my Pregnancy, Infertiliy, TTC, grieving, me trying to get through life and struggling with 5 Autoimmune Diseases: Lupus, APS, Endometriosis, Fibromyglia, CFS, MTHFR....etc, and learning how to go through life on living back in the Civialian World. Just my everyday life.
I know that everything happens for a reason, I know things will work out for the best in the end. Just gotta keep your head up.

.Timeline.

Dec 1st 2006 ;; Started TTC

Oct 2009 ;; Started getting help from a Fertility Specialist.

Nov 12th, 2009 ;; HSG

Nov 12th 2009 ;; HSC

Dec 9th, 2009 ;; Put on Femara

Dec 18th, 2009 ;; 1st IUI - BFN

Jan 14th, 2010 ;; 2nd IUI - BFN

Feb 11, 2010 ;; 3rd IUI - BFN

June 28th, 2011 ;; BFP (naturally)

July 1st, 2011 ;; Beta=279!!

July 5th, 2011 ;; Beta= 1,200s!!

July 7th, 2011 ;; ER Trip. Beta- 5,000s!! Ultrasound, didn't get to see tho.

July 21st, 2011 ;; ER Trip. Beta=12,00s!! RhoGAM shot another ultrasound, didn't get to see.

July 22, 2011 ;; ER Trip. Beta=Dropped by a 1,000. Did an Ultrasound but baby's heartbeat was low. 93.

July 23rd, 2011 ;; Saw my OB. They did an Ultrasound, got to see my baby and see the heart actually beating!! Beta= 16,000s!! They went back up!! Heartbeat went up to 100!!!

Aug 2nd, 2011 ;; Went in for ultrasound, no heartbeat.. Went home and started bleeding...

Aug 2nd, 2011 ;; ER. They did an ultrasound no heartbeat.

Aug 10th, 2011 ;; OB wanted to see me, another ultrasound, about finished passing the baby.

Nov 7th, 2011 ;; BFP on HPT

Dec 3d, 2011 ;; ER. Beta 93,000. Heart rate 156!! EDD July 16th, 2012

RIP Michael Jackson - 1958-2009

Made By Me. Michael Jackson has touched my heart in SO many ways. He also had Lupus, and I really look up to him, because he still lived his life, and danced and everything through all the pain that comes with Lupus. I grew up listening to him. Started listening to him when I was 4 years old. It doesn't matter what mood I am in, every time I hear his music, I keep beyond happy and just dance. I love all of his songs, and honestly think he is, hands up, the greatest dancer that ever lived. And no one will ever be able to top him. He saved so many lives of children and helped so many children/people and just wanted World Peace and for no one to suffer. He was such a beautiful person on the inside and out and was just such an amazing person. My dream before I died was to go see Michael in Concert, and now that will never happen. I am still in shock and don't want to believe it, but I know he is in a better place and now no one can hurt him anymore. I didn't find out he had Lupus until he had passed away, I was in total shock. But know I know that if Michael that had Lupus among other Diseases like myself and still showed the world how great he was, then so can I, thank you Mihcael for giving me Hope. Michael Jackson was the only entertainer who truly made me happy even if I was in the worse possible mood. He may be gone, but he is still here with me and with all his true fans, that he loved so much.**Michael, you mean the world to me and have touched my heart so much, and your my inspiration. I wish I would have gotten to meet you, but I know I will see you in Heaven and be dancing with you. :) I'm glad you are no longer in pain and no one can hurt you anymore. I miss you and I love you with all of my heart.** Rest in Peace MJ.