What Is Going On??!!?

So I am 21 days late...I haven't poas(peed on a stick) because I know that I am not pregnant. My pelvic pain has been BEYOND bad that it has been waking me up. The last few days I'll be dreaming that I'm having the worst pelvic pain, then I will wake up and be in the worse pain!! I honestly don't know what the hell is going on with my body. I get my period every 28 days but ever since I got off the fertility drugs my cycles have been very messed up!! Last cycle I was 39 days late!!!! I don't have a fertility doctor here in Tennessee yet, and there is no point because I will be moving back to Oklahoma when he deploys to Afghanistan which is VERY soon... Now we don't even have time to try 1 more cycle, unless I started today or tomorrow, which I am just very devastated about! Our goal was to get pregnant before he deploys but yeah that is not happening now...I guess once he gets back then it's IVF with ICSI. I just really didn't want to do IVF unless we had to.. The 3 IUI's process just put me through SO much physical pain and mentally.. and I know IVF is going to be worse.. I just really wish we could get pregnant on our own like most normal couples. I always ask God, "why can they get pregnant let alone on their own, but Bruce and I for some reason just can't." I don't understand why Bruce and I have to go through infertility..I know there is a reason.. Maybe to find out about 3 serious illness, Lupus, Antiphospholipid Antibody Syndrome(APS) and MTHFR Disease, that our fertility doctor found. Or else I would have never even asked to be tested for those. Maybe it's to show us how much a blessing a child is or maybe to show me that just because I don't have a child it does not make me ANY less blessed than a woman/couple with child(ren) Or maybe I am being punished for something..??? I don't know but whatever the reason, destiny always gets it's way. I do know that everything is going to work out for Bruce and I. God is great and amazing. And with him on our side anything is possible.

I know it's been like 3 weeks since I have updated and that I have bearly been on Twitter the last couple weeks, I miss all of ya'll, but I'm just trying to spend as much time with my husband as I can, before he goes to Afghanistan. I really hope ya'll understand. And I just want to thank all my girls! Without ya'll and my husband, I could not get through a day without any of you. I promise to update more and be on Twitter more! :)

How Can I Get Thru This? *UPDATE*

Last night my Grams, who also adopted me when I was 4 and raised me, lost her battle to lung cancer. My younger sister called me at 9:01pm and asked me if I was sitting down, I knew right then...I started screaming SOOO loud, my Husband ran up stairs and I kinda cried/screamed it out that she had passed..he rushed over to me and just held me as I screaminly cried at the top of my lungs. I kept trying to get away from him..was kicking my legs and the whole 9 yards... My sister was still on the phone and told my husband that I need to calm down..that pissed him off and me as well... I cried until I could not even cry anymore..had a few panic attacks, I stopped breathing, Bruce had to give me CPR a few times.. I am still in shock..I don't know what to do.. I was suppose to be home NEXT week to spend time with her..As I look at this picture of us...I can't believe it.. How could this happen?? I am bawling my eyes out while I write this... My Grams was a very hard working woman, super strong, never lost faith in God even when 2 of her children passed away within years of each other, or any other bad things that happened, she NEVER lost faith in God. She was the most loving mother, she did all she could for us kids. She was always there for me, about Infertility and my everyday battles. I am proud to say not only she is my Grams but my Mother as well. I am very blessed to have 2 mothers. They may be in Heaven, but I know they are both still here with me.

March 5th, 2010 *UPDATE* I am not doing so good with this..I am still in shock and just can't believe this is happening to me. I haven't cried much, since I found out, I guess because I just can NOT believe this, what so ever. My Grams has been there my WHOLE life and done such a great job in raising me. I honestly don't know if I can stay strong or be strong enough to get thru this. I know how strong of a woman I truly am, but this..I don't know... I am still dealing with my mom's death and now my other mother/grams'..Please tell me how am I suppose to get thru thrus? Because I don't know if I can..I just lost one (another) of the most important woman in my life..We should be going to Oklahoma on the 9th, the Judge should allow me to leave the state for this. I really can't wait to be home and I think it would help me, A LOT! I want to thank everyone who has been there for me, from the bottom of my heart, thank you SO much. It truly means the world to me.

Am I Closer to you?

IUI #3 9dp-IUI

To My Dearest Angel-in-Waiting,

I have 5 days until my blood test, to see if I am pregnant with you(s) or not. I will be honest with you, I am getting scared my little angel-in-waiting. I want you more than anything in the world, and so does your daddy. Are you(s) growing in mommy's tummy right now? I know that I am meant to have you in my life, we are meant to be together. But I am scared I am not meant to get you right now, or maybe not even at all. I'm trying my hardest to stay positive and strong, but some days, like today, it is hard for mommy. I feel like giving up and just not going thru IVF (if this IUI is a failure) I hated going thru IUI, it hurt me so bad, with all the ultrasounds and all the extra hormones, extra blood work, and extra monitoring. I know that IVF is gonna be a lot more, but let's not even talk about IVF, UNLESS it comes to it. But I do want you to know, when I said I will never give up on you, I will not. At the moment, mommy is very confused and hurting. I have been fighting for you for over 3 years now, and it gets harder every month my love. Every negative, feels like another bullet in the heart. You are the reason why mommy is doing everything I am, risking my life for you, all the hormones, vaginal ultrasounds, blood work...etc. You are everything we have ever wanted, we dream of you, talk about you. We would love to just sit there and watch you sleep, I wouldn't care about not getting any sleeping, as long as I can sit there and watch you sleep. As this IUI cycle comes to an end, I am wondering If I am closer to you or not. Am I Baby Hang? Am I God? There are so many questions that no one can answer for me, and I don't like know what's going on or what's gonna happen or not happen. If you are growing in mommy's belly, I will do everything in my power to get you here, and here safe and sound and very healthy. I already love you more than words can even say or describe, and I know we will be together, and I really hope it is soon. I love you my sweetpea.

Love from a Mother-in-Waiting

"My job is to take care of the possible and trust God with the impossible"

Doctor's Appt.

So I went to see my PCM for a blood test, and well the results won't come in til the end of the day, so he's gonna call me and let me know if it's a BFP or BFN. Still no AF, I'm 7 days late. So we'll see in about 4-6 hours. He also took me off the Fentanyl patch and put me on Morphine. [for my chronic pelvic pain from Endo] Which I thought Fentanyl was stronger, but Morphine is stronger and the strongest pain killer. He put me on the long lasting ones, I take in morning and night, then he gave me the instant release ones, so I won't have to take Percocets for break through pain. But I'm not taking it until I know the results. He also said it's less of a risk to the baby than Fentanyl so that's good. If I' not pregnant now, then I'll be on the Morphine til I do get pregnant, then he will wing me off once I'm pregnant, but hopefully he calls with a BFP!!!! :) He also said I could be up to 2 months pregnant, since in Oct I had the weirdest cycle. So we shall see!! KEEP THEM CROSSED!! I feel really good about this. I have NEVER been 7 days late or gained over 10 lbs in a week. Now the waiting is gonna kill me. I hate waiting esp for results!!! And if I'm not pregnant than IUI! I'm really hoping I get my Christmas BFP!!!

Results.

So as soon as we got there they weighed me, and I weigh 107!!!!!!! :) So I'm very happy about that. I did eat a lot before going. But YAY 107!!!!! I'm gonna get to my goal, 120. :) Then they did a urine test...came back negative.. My heart felt like a bullet went through it. There are like NO words to describe how I feel right now... Then they gave me my first Progesterone shot, to make AF come. It is also the same shot I will be taking everyday when I'm pregnant til I'm 12 weeks to keep me from miscarrying. Didn't know it was the same shot, kind of interesting. It didn't hurt at all. The nurse said if I don't start in 2 weeks call them, then I'm most likely pregnant. So hopefully AF won't come at all. But if so they want me to call them when AF comes and then set up IUI. Sigh... I am so crushed right now... I thought we were finally gonna walk out of that Clinic with great news... I really have no words to say...

AF??? Pregnant???

So Today is day 5 of being late. So I had called my Infertility Dr and spoke to 2 of the nurses. I explained to them what is going on, that Today is day 5 of being late and that I also have gained 10 lbs in a week, which is weird for me because I have had a problem gaining weight my whole life. I weigh 104.6 and that's the highest I have ever weighed in my entire life and I'm 21. So I dunno what is going on. They want me to come in asap Today because I am at such high risk if miscarrying, and they need to know when I'm pregnant asap. They are going to do a pregnancy test and give me an injection to make my period start. I have never had any kind of injection like that before, so kinda nervous. And if the test comes back that I am not pregnant, I'm gonna try my hardest to be strong, and tell myself I am doing IUI now so no need to be upset. But we will see how that goes. This all is just weird and I told myself I wouldn't get my hopes up, but I kind of did. I also have never had any problems with getting my period. I can always feel it coming because of how bad the Chronic Pelvic Pain gets [from the Endo] and it has gotten very bad as if I am starting, but nothing... I guess we will find out this afternoon. Sigh. I know whatever happens, happens for a reason.

Down In The Teens!! 9 More Days Til Alaska!

Down in the teens! HOOAH! I'm so happy that this time is going by so fast!! i got almost all my packing done and my Grams took me monday to get my coat! I love it and it is very warm! Was expensive but my Grams said it'll be worth it when I'm in Alaska! Still got to order Romeo's coat. I'm taking him to the Vet on the 16th, to get health papers so he can fly.

Well I went to the speicalist today, I'm having surgery monday morning at 11am. They are doing a Lap, gonna look inside me around my ovaries and if there's a cyst they will drain them, which the doctor thinks I have a ton! And if there are any tumors they will remove it. They want to know why I am having suck bad pelvic pain. It only takes a few days to recover, so I'm doing it before I move to Alaska. I coulda waited til after I get to Alaska but we will be busy and stuff til like Jan. I go tomorrow at 11am for my pre-op. I'm really scared to have surgery, please pray for me everything, and that it goes well! Thank you!

Funeral...

The funeral was today, and the service was so beautiful. hen I first got there I had a panic attack and ran out of the place. But my Grams, Dad and Brother came after me and told me it was ok and my Grams gave me a klonopin. I'm proud of myself for staying strong for my family, after that, and I didn't really cry but teared up, I HATE people seeing me cry. I knew my Mom would have wanted me to stay strong. She is in a better place and I'm happy that she is no longer in pain. I love her so much and nothing will ever change that. She is my mother and I am her daughter. She was the most wonderful mother and person and so very beautiful. I love you so much. I will try not to be sad, just like you told me, to not be sad when you died. I'm gonna miss you so much. Your the one of the greatest woman I know. I love you Mommy.