Next Step...InVitro.

We wanted to do this post together. My BlackBerry started ringing at 2 o' clock. It read Infertility Clinic. So I answered it, and at first I thought she said I have good news, so I said with very much excitment "You have good news?!!" The RE told me, "No, Roxanne, I am very sorry but it came back negative." My heart felt like a bullet went thru it, and I hurried to get off the phone, but she wanted me to come in on Monday for an ultrasound to make sure my ovaries are back to normal. So as soon as I made that appt, I hurried and said bye...Then I dropped to the floor, crying the hardest I have EVER cried. I kept saying, as I was crying and screaming (very loud, surprised no one called the cops) "How am I going to tell Bruce, how am I going to tell him I am not pregnant, yet again." So I called him crying...I told him...Then I told him I needed him very bad, so he told his SGT and they let him off early. He came home and just held me... Before he got home, I kept asking God "Why didn't this work?!!" I actually was cry screaming it. I just don't understand why it did not work...I had 14 great follicles, his sperm was at 100% mobility for the first time, what the hell?! After 3 years, this is by far the worst negative... I don't know what else to say, I am completely heartbroken, yet again.. All the vaginal ultrasounds, needles, hormones, injections, the pain...all for NOTHING. Not to mention the thousands we spent for 3 IUI cycles... We are moving on the 8th and once we get a house and I can get into the doctor and have him/her send me to yet another Infertility Specialist, we are doing IVF with ICSI. And I know I will get pregnant with that, it's a for sure thing, but that doesn't change what I am feeling now and how shattered my heart is.

I got a phone call from Roxanne and I heard her crying and I knew right then what she had to tell me. I also knew that I had to get home to her even before she said anything. I heard her say that she was not pregnant, well it was more like a scream. I told her that I would be home soon and got off the phone and went to talk to my NCO. When I saw him I told him I had to get home because my wife was freaking out, he asked me about what? I explained to him that my wife had a pregnancy test today and it came back negative and that it was our last IUI. He said ok, be back in the morning. From their I went from my car and drove as fast ask I could to my ailing wife. I got home, I ran upstairs I saw her just sitting there on the floor next to the bed, I didn't know what to say. It hurt so bad seeing her like that, knowing that she wanted this so bad. When she first called and told me she was not pregnant, it was hard to believe. It's been 3 years, a couple of thousand of dollars and a hell of a lot of heartache. And yet no baby. It hurt so bad to hear that we still aren't pregnant. Haven't we both suffered enough, what else do we have to go through to finally get the baby we already love so much. It's hard to stay positive when all we get is bad news. But I know that no matter what I will not stop trying to have the baby that my wife and I are meant to have.

Am I Closer to you?

IUI #3 9dp-IUI

To My Dearest Angel-in-Waiting,

I have 5 days until my blood test, to see if I am pregnant with you(s) or not. I will be honest with you, I am getting scared my little angel-in-waiting. I want you more than anything in the world, and so does your daddy. Are you(s) growing in mommy's tummy right now? I know that I am meant to have you in my life, we are meant to be together. But I am scared I am not meant to get you right now, or maybe not even at all. I'm trying my hardest to stay positive and strong, but some days, like today, it is hard for mommy. I feel like giving up and just not going thru IVF (if this IUI is a failure) I hated going thru IUI, it hurt me so bad, with all the ultrasounds and all the extra hormones, extra blood work, and extra monitoring. I know that IVF is gonna be a lot more, but let's not even talk about IVF, UNLESS it comes to it. But I do want you to know, when I said I will never give up on you, I will not. At the moment, mommy is very confused and hurting. I have been fighting for you for over 3 years now, and it gets harder every month my love. Every negative, feels like another bullet in the heart. You are the reason why mommy is doing everything I am, risking my life for you, all the hormones, vaginal ultrasounds, blood work...etc. You are everything we have ever wanted, we dream of you, talk about you. We would love to just sit there and watch you sleep, I wouldn't care about not getting any sleeping, as long as I can sit there and watch you sleep. As this IUI cycle comes to an end, I am wondering If I am closer to you or not. Am I Baby Hang? Am I God? There are so many questions that no one can answer for me, and I don't like know what's going on or what's gonna happen or not happen. If you are growing in mommy's belly, I will do everything in my power to get you here, and here safe and sound and very healthy. I already love you more than words can even say or describe, and I know we will be together, and I really hope it is soon. I love you my sweetpea.

Love from a Mother-in-Waiting

"My job is to take care of the possible and trust God with the impossible"

Infertiles And Fertiles.

I want to know what is going on between us. Why must our Fertile friends not tell us, Infertiles, to our face but put on a Facebook and Myspace status that they are pregnant? Just because they think we won't be happy for them or it'll upset us? Yes it does upset us but we are HAPPY FOR YOU. We will feel that huge amount of sadness at first, then be happy for you. Just because we have been trying years for our 1st and you find out your pregnant with your like 3rd or whatnot, does not mean you can not tell us. We are suppose to your friend. And to me, by not telling us directly, it seems as if you don't care about our feelings as much as you say you do. I can see how a Fertile telling an Infertile that she is pregnant would be very tough, but as a friend, you should do it anyway.

5dp-IUI.

So I did my last and 3rd IUI on the 11th. They did another ultrasound right before, just to make sure everything was fine, turns out I grew 4 more follicles over night, without any injections! And his sperm mobility was at 100% FOR THE FIRST TIME!! :) I have the strongest feeling in my gut that this is the one for us!! So I am 5dp-IUI today, and other than my everyday pain, my ovaries feel as if they are gonna explode! I can't put ANY pressure on the them...And I know it's from the hormone injections and probably cause I have 14 eggs in there. My boobs are hurting me BEYOND BEYOND bad!! I can hardly wear a bra!!! I have been bloated for days, so bloated it looks like I am 4-5 months pregnant, I have had people ask how far along I am, that hurts... I usually get bloated RIGHT before AF is due, like a few days, and never this big. So I am guessing it's all those little eggies in there. :) They inseminated around 8 billion or million, I can't remember what she said. GO SPERMIES GO!!! GET ONE OF THOSE EGGIES OR 2!!! ;) Blood test is the 25th, and I'm hoping this 2ww goes by a little faster!! Please pray and keep us in your prayers, thank you! :)

Lupus, Antiphospholipid Antibody Syndrome and Fibromyalgia.

I really want to do a post about the 3 Autoimmune Disease I have, to help ya'll understand them better, and know what I am going through.

Lupus

What is Lupus?
Lupus is a chronic, autoimmune disease that can damage any part of your body (skin, joints, and/or organs inside the body). In Lupus. something goes wrong with your immune system, which is the part of the body that fights off viruses, bacteria and germs. Normally our immune system produces proteins called antibodies that protect the body from these invaders. Autoiumme means your immune system can't tell the difference between these foreign invaders and your body's heathy tissue ("auto" means "self") and create autoantibodies that attack and destroy healthy tissue. So basically your body is fighting it's self. Lupus is also a disease of flares (the symptoms worsen and you feel ill) and remissions (the symptoms improve and you feel better) Lupus can range from mild to life-threatening and should always be treated by a doctor. Lupus is not contagious, not even though sexual contact. Lupus is not like cancer or related to cancer. Lupus is not like or related to HIV or AIDS. At least 1.5 million Americans have Lupus. The actual number may be higher, however, there have been no large-scale studies to show the actual number of people in the U.S. living with Lupus. Lupus strikes mostly woman of childbeaing age (15-44) However, men, children and teenagers develops Lupus too.

What causes Lupus
No gene or group of genes has been proven to cause Lupus. Lupus does, however appear in certain families. Although Lupus can develop in people with no family history of Lupus, there are likely to be other autoimmune diseases in some family members.

Forms of Lupus
There are 4 types of Lupus, I have Systemic Lupus Erythematosus (SLE) SLE is the most common form of Lupus, and is what most people mean when they refer to "Lupus" SLE can be mild or severe. Some of the most serious complications involving major organs systems are:

• inflammation of the kidneys, which can affect the body's ability to filter waste from the blood and can be so damaging that dialysis or kidney transplant may be needed.
• an increase in blood pressure in the lungs.
• inflammation of the nervous system and brain, which can cause memory problems, confusion, headaches and strokes.
• inflammation in the brain's blood vessel, which can cause high fevers, sizures behavioral chances.
• hardening of arteries, which is a buildup of deposits on coronay artery walls that can lead to a heart attack.

There is more that it can effect, but I'm trying to keep this short, And I am not going to go into the other 3 forms of Lupus, because I don't have them, at least not that I know of.

The Symptoms of Lupus
Because Lupus can affect so many different organs, a wide range of symptoms can occur. These symptoms may come and go, and different symptoms may appear at different times during the course of the disease.
The most common symptoms of Lupus, which are in the same for Females and Males.

• extreme fatigue
• headaches
• painful and/or swollen joints and stiffness
  
• muscle pain
  
• fever
• anemia
• swelling in feet, legs, hands, and/or around eyes.
• chest pain
• shortness of breath
  
• butterfly shaped rash across the cheeks and nose
• sun or light-sensitivity
• hair loss
• abnormal blood clotting
• fingers turning white and/or blue when cold
• Pale or purple fingers or toes
• mouth or nose ulcers
• Swollen glands
• dizziness
• depression
• confusion
• seizures.
• easy bruising
• skin lesions that appear or worsen with sun exposure
• dry eyes
• anxiety
  
• memory loss

There are more symptoms but these are the most common.

Other illness you could get by having Lupus

• heart disease
• lung disease
• kidney disease and kidney failure
• skin and joint disease
• Leukemia
• Rheumatoid Arthritis
• Nervous System disease

Did you know more people have Lupus than AIDS??


Antiphospholipid Antibody Syndrome

What is Antiphospholipid Antibody Syndrome? (APS)
Anitphosphoslipid Antibody Syndrome is an autoimmune disorder. In APS, the body mistakenly makes antibodies that attack phospholipids-a type of fat. Phospholipids are found in all living cells and cell membranes, including blood cells and the lining of blood vessels. When antibodies attack phospholipids, they damage cells. This causes unwanted blood clots to form in the body's arteries and veins. Usually blood clotting is a normal bodily process. Blood clots help seal small cuts or breaks and prevent you from losing too much blood. In APS, howeber too much blood clotting can block blood flow and damage the body's organs. Some people have APS anitboies, but don't ever have signs or symptoms. APS can leand to a number of health problems and even death. Such as stroke, heart attack, kidney damage, deep vein thrombosis, pulmonary embolism or pregnancy-related problems. Pregnancy related problems may include multiple miscarriages, a miscarriage late in the pregnancy or a premature birth due to eclampsia. People who have APS also are at a higher risk of Thrombocytopenia. This condition in which your blood has a low number of blood cells called platelets. This can lead to mild to serious bleeding. In APS, thrombocytopenia occurs because the platelets are used up by the clotting process or because antibodies destroy them. In some cases, APS can be fatal. This may occur due to large blood clots or blood clots in the heart, lungs, or brain. APS can affect people of any age. However it's more common in woman and people who have other autoimmune or rheumatic disorders, such as Lupus. ("Rheumatic" refers to disorders that affect the joints, bones, or muscles.) APS has no cure, but medicines can help prevent its complications. Medicines are used to stop blood clots from forming and keep existing clots from getting larger. Treatment for the disorder is long term. If you have APS and another autoimmune disorder, it’s important to control that condition as well. When the other condition is controlled, APS may cause fewer problems.


Fibromyalgia

What is Fibromyalgia?
Fibromyalgia is a common condition characterized by long-term, body-wide pain and tender points in joints, muscles, tendons, and other soft tissues. Fibromyalgia has also been linked to fatigue, morning stiffness, sleep problems, headaches, numbness in hands and feet, depression, and anxiety.Fibromyalgia can develop on its own or along with other musculoskeletal conditions such as rheumatoid arthritis or lupus.

The symptoms of Fibromyalgia
The overwhelming characteristic of fibromyalgia is long-standing, body-wide pain with defined tender points. Tender points are distinct from trigger points seen in other pain syndromes. Unlike tender points, trigger points can occur in isolation and represent a source of radiating pain, even in the absence of direct pressure. Fibromyalgia pain can mimic the pain that occurs with various types of arthritis. However, the significant swelling, destruction, and deformity of joints seen in diseases such as rheumatoid arthritis does not occur with fibromyalgia syndrome alone. The soft-tissue pain of fibromyalgia is described as deep-aching, radiating, gnawing, shooting or burning, and ranges from mild to severe. Fibromyalgia sufferers tend to wake up with body aches and stiffness. For some patients, pain improves during the day and increases again during the evening, though many patients with fibromyalgia have day-long, unrelenting pain. Pain can increase with activity, cold or damp weather, anxiety, and stress.

Specific symptoms:

• body aches
• chronic facial muscle pain or aching
• fatigue
• irritable bowel syndrome
• memory difficulties and cognitive diffculties
• multiple tender areas (muscle and joint pain) on the back of the neck, shoulders, sternum, lower back, hips, shines, elbows, kness
• numbness and tingling
• palpitations
• reduced exercise tolerance
• sleep disturbances
  
• tension or migraine headaches

Although the cause of fibromyalgia is unknown, researchers have several theories about the causes or triggers of fibromyalgia. Some scientists believe that the syndrome may be caused by an injury or trauma. This injury may affect the central nervous system. Fibromyalgia may be associated with changes in muscle metabolism, such as decreased blood flow, causing fatigue and decreased strength. Others believe the syndrome may be triggered by an infectious agent such as a virus in susceptible people, but no such agent has been identified. Some think Fibromyalgia is not an autoimmune disease, although many people believe it to be. There may be some evidence that FM has an autoimmune component to it. Unfortunately, there is not a lot of concrete evidence to support and validate that notion yet. Fibromyalgia is difficult to diagnose because many of the symptoms mimic those of other diseases.

There is a ton of more info about these, but I did not want to be writing this post ALL night, LOL. So I hope this info can help you understand a little better of what I go through daily.

Hardest Decision, But We Made It.

So I went in for my ultrasound and I have 10 FOLLICLES! Boy did the injections work or what!! The Doctor was talking about not doing IUI this month and waiting for next month because most likely I will be getting pregnant from this IUI and with more 3 or more. If I have 3 or more I will have to have Selected Reduction done... It has to be done after 8 weeks when they has a heartbeat.. They will inject saline into the sac and it will stop the growth. They do the Selective Reduction at 10-12 weeks. We are NOT going to doing it if we have twins, but I will be in the hospital for my whole pregnancy(if I get pregnant with twins)... This was a very hard decision for my Husband and I.. We don't wanna basically kill 1 or more of our babies, but I CAN NOT carry more than 2, they don't want me even carrying 2, but we are choosing do keep twins, if I get pregnant with more than 1. If you even think this was an easy decision for myself and my husband, YOU ARE WRONG. We don't wan't to have to do that but we won't have a choice, it could kill me. And I am praying to God we just get 1 or 2. (we really want 2 though!) If we get 3 or more, I will be so heartbroken, you will have NO idea, but I am not gonna worry about that unless it happens. I go back in the morning for another ultrasound and see how big they are, some of the follicles are small though, and they are hoping they don't get any better. They are going to monitor me more with ultrasounds and blood and see if they get any better. The did my blood work and my estrogen level is over 600! So that is GREAT! I also should be getting my Trigger Shot tomorrow then IUI on Wednesday! I will let you know what happens after my appt tomorrow but we definitely know I AM GETTING PREGNANT THIS CYCLE!! Please keep us in your prayers!

***UPDATE: I almost forgot something very important, just say we had to do a Selective Reduction (which I know we won't!) It will put the other baby(ies) at even higher risk of miscarrying. Because Selective Reductions put the other babies at risk for some reason, not sure why, doctor didn't tell me why. And I am already at the highest risk of miscarrying because of all the health problems I have cause miscarriages esp the blood disease, it causes recurrent miscarriages and the fact that I have already had 3, but I know I will NOT miscarry again when I get my BFP this cycle, but still please pray for me and Baby Hang(s)***

Sperm Morphology (Teratozoospermia.)

So as most of you know my Husband has Sperm Morphology (Teratozoospermia) which means his sperm is abnormal and he only has 1% normal sperm. I am researching this and I want do let you know what I learn, so ya'll know what I am actually dealing with and for those who's Husband has this also, and who just wants to learn about this. So sit back and let's begin. Approximately 15-20% of couples attempting to achieve pregnancy in the United States each year face difficulties with fertility. Of those couples, a pure "female factor" is repsonsible for about 35-40% of cases. Another 35% of cases are purse "male factor" Couple with combination of male and female factors account for the remaining 25-30% of cases. Therefore, a male infertility factor plays a part for more than 50% of couples unable to conceive on their own. Now back to Sperm Morphology (Teratozoospermia) The sperm can not penetrate the egg because of the abnormal shape of the sperm. And you need to directly go to In Vitro Fertilization(IVF) with ICSI. What is ICSI you ask? ICSI is an acronym for intracytoplasmic sperm injection - which is a fancy way of saying "inject sperm in the middle of the egg" ICSI is a very effective method to fertilize eggs in the IVF lab after they have been retrieved from the female. ICSI has revolutionised our approach to the infertile man, and it promises the possibility for every man to have a baby, no matter how abnormal his sperm. Pregnancy success rates for IVF procedures with ICSI have been shown in some studies to be higher than for IVF without ICSI. This is because in many of the cases needing ICSI the female is relatively young and fertile (good egg quantity and quality) as compared to some of the women having IVF for other reasons. In other words, the average egg quantity and quality tends to be better in ICSI cases (male factor cases) because it is less likely that there is a problem with the eggs.This picture on the right is intracytoplasmic sperm injection. Unfortunately, many doctors still offer IUI treatment for men with Teratozoospermina. The hope seems to be washing the sperm will help the doctor to recover the "best sperm" and since only one sperm is needed to fertilize the egg, then IUI will improve the chances of achieving a pregnancy. Unfortunately, IUI is a terrible treatment for Teratozoospermia, which is a very low pregnancy rate. The problem is that men with Teratozoospermia have sperm which functionall incompetent, which is why washing the sperm and doing IUI does not help. The diagnosis of poor sperm morphology can be such a blow to one's ego --- it is so totally unexpected, because it is not associated with other symptoms or signs. Men react differently - but common feelings include anger with the wife and the doctor; resentfulness about having to participate in infertility testing and treatment since they feel having babies is the woman's "job"; loss of self-esteem; and temporary sexual dysfunction such as loss of desire and poor erections. Many men also feel very guilty that because of "their" medical problem, they are depriving their wife the pleasures of experiencing motherhood. Unfortunately, social support for the infertile man is practically non-existent, and he is forced to put up a brave front and show that he doesn't care. Since he is a man, he is not allowed to display his emotions. He is expected to provide a shoulder for his wife to cry on - but he needs to learn to cry alone. However, remember that the urge for fatherhood can be biologically as strong as the urge for motherhood - and we should stop treating infertile men as second class citizens!!

As for my Husband and I, I am completely there for him and assure him that this is NOT his fault, that God has just delt this hand to us. He is the love of my life and just because of his Infertility, I do NOT love him ANY less, I have Infertility of my own. And it does NOT make him any less of a man or me any less than a woman. I know how hard his sperm issues have been on him, even though he doesn't say it, and he says it's his fault I can't get pregnant and that I have to go through all these Fertility meds, Injections and IUIs, but I do NOT blame him ONE BIT. As I sit here and write this, a lot of tears are rolling down my cheeks. I don't know what I would do without my Husband, he is my first love, my first everything, my high school sweetheart, my one and only., and we have been together 7 years this month. And to know what he is going through with this, it breaks my heart. It also breaks my heart every single month we get a BFN because I see his heart breaking... It is not his or my fault we have Infertility, God gave it to us because he knows that we are strong enough to handle it. All you Fertiles, do you how it feels to see your Husband's heart breaking so badly every single month and there is nothing you can do to heal it but be there for him? He wants to be a Daddy as much as I want to be a Mommy, if not probably even more so. And I will do EVERYTHING in my power to get him his baby, I don't care about all the physical pain or mental pain I have to go through, I am doing this for my Husband, our future baby and of course myself. But mostly for my Husband. *>>Bruce, I want you to know that I do NOT blame you, that we will get our baby one way or another. You will be the greatest Daddy and I can't wait to see the look on your face when we get our BFP and we will. Know that I love you more than anything in this world, as much as a person can love another. And that you are my hero.<<* I obviously had a lot of more researched but didn't have enough time to get it all, if you want to know more, go ahead and google it. :)

I Love My Fertility Clinic!

So I had my appt for IUI #3 Today, they did an ultrasound and everything looks perfect!! I didn't wanna try the Femara again because I wasn't having the best results, so I asked about doing Injections instead. And they told me I could do that and do the IUI (instead of timed intercourse) and they gave me all the Injections for FREE!!!! It would have came out to a 1,000$, but they know that this is our last IUI cycle and how much money we have already spent for a package for 3 IUI's. I am just beyond happy we got the Injections for free!! I will start them Tonight, but Bruce will have to give them to me, in my stomach no less. Not looking forward to that but I heard it doesn't hurt all that bad and the needle isn't really that long. They started me off on a low dose , I go back Friday for another ultrasound to see how the Injections are working and if they need to they will up the dose. I truly love everyone that the clinic! They are just SO sweet and nice and actually understand!! They also took me off the Fibromyalgia med but are letting me stay on my Klonopin, thank god! This is MY month to get pregnant! And I just know it is going to happen!! Keep them crossed!!

Never Giving Up On You.

IUI #3 Cycle Day 4

To My Dearest Angel-in-Waiting,

After hearing that IUI #2 did not work, I wanted to give up, I was totally heartbroken and cried hours for you. I was ready to just stop all of it, but your Daddy said no, that it will happen. Your Daddy and I have been chasing you for 3 years now, and sometimes it seems as if we will never get you, but after a lot of thinking and talking to God, I do know that he will send you to us, one day. And we will not stop until you are in your arms. I'm just so confused on why we have to wait so long for you. But I do know that God has a reason for it. I don't want you to EVER think that Mommy will give up on you, because that would never happen, not in a million years. You are mine, forever mine. You may not be here with Daddy and Mommy yet, but you are ours. I don't care what anyone says, you will be conceived by your Father and I. And until then I will do EVERYTHING in my power to conceive you. And when you get here you will be love unconditionally , more than any other child out there. You will have the greatest home any child could ask for, and of course the best parents in the world. You are already so loved by so many people and not just by Daddy and me. I am so sorry that I said I was done yesterday, I did not mean it, Mommy was just beyond heartbroken and I thought you would never come to us. And I hope that did not hurt you in anyway, I just say thing when I am really hurt. But trust me my little lady bug, Mommy won't give up and you will find your way into Daddy's and mine arms. It will be a miracle just to conceive you, and God does miracle every single day my love. I love you with all of my heart and soul. And I can't wait to meet you my darling. Hang in there sweetiepie, you will be with us soon.

Love from a Mother-in-Waiting.

"Above all else, know this: Be prepared at all times for the gifts of God and be ready always for new ones. For God is a thousand times more ready to give than we are to receive."