Don't Make Decisions When Your Upset.

Yesterday after finding out my 2nd IUI failed, I chose to not do our last IUI and just do IVF... I was very upset, still am, and I just thought another IUI would be a total waste of time, because 2 haven't worked, so why would a 3rd? Well after thinking a lot about it, I am going to do our last IUI! I am calling Monday to set up an appt for IUI. I'm gonna see about doing Injections instead of Femara. A few people told me to not make decisions when you are upset/mad, and they are right!! Most the time you will make the wrong decision for yourself and your family. I am really upset with myself for making that decision yesterday because I know my Husband wants to do the last IUI, but told me to do whatever I want. I'm going to take this weekend to not think of Infertility or IUI and I think it will be good for me!! IUI #3 here I come!! :) Third time is the charm!! And if it comes to IVF, then it comes to IVF, nothing we can do about it, but with IVF. We don't be doing IVF (if comes to that) until we PCS to Ft. Campbell KY/TN. I really don't wnt to go through IVF because everything you have to do, I even hate going through IUI, but I will do WHATEVER IT TAKES for my future child.

Fibromyalgia And IUI #2 Resuts.

So Today I was diagnosed with a THRID Autoimmune Disease (As if Lupus and my other isn't enough, LOL) Fibromyalgia... I had a good idea that I had it because my mother had Fibro also and I'm JUST like my mother. I know that Fibro isn't as bad as Lupus or life-threatening like Lupus, so I know I can handle this also. I'm just so upset about having yet another one. My Doctor started me on Fibro meds, that will also help me sleep, and put me back on my Klonopin, so that should help me sleep also. Also my leg's may have blockage (small blood clots, I'm at high risk for them cause my other autoimmune disease: Antiphospholipid Antibody Syndrome and my blood disease, MTHFR Diease) I get purple, yellow stops on my legs, my feet turn BRIGHT red. So he is sending me to a Specialist for that. What fun, LOL!! Now on to my results, well it's negative... And all I will say is I bawled my eyes out nearly 2 hours and I am still very upset about it, and then AF happened to show up a few hours after.. We chose not to do the last round of IUI and will be getting the money for IVF!! YAY! So we will do IVF when we PCS to Ft Campbell, next month. And until then we are still going to TTC naturally. Even with a 1% of getting pregnant, I don't care, we talked about it and we still going to try while we wait for IVF. I am not sure what else to say, but this cycle and this negative is one of the hardest I have gone through..My heart is about ripped out of me and stomped on. *sighs* But I know everything will work out how it is meant to. I just want to thank, other than my Husband of course, all you wonderful ladies who have been here for me throughout the day, I don't know what I would do without you.

Tampons, Endometriosis And Infertility.

I was talking to a friend last night about tampons and how it could effect your Fertility, so I chose to do some research, and have been researching this for the last 4 hours, haha! Did you know not only can tampons cause Toxic Shock Syndrome (TSS) but possibly be associated with everything from Endometriosis to Infertility. And even potential to cause female cancers. Ok, let's rewind. Dioxins are chemicals which are toxic and are usually a by-product of plastics and chlorinated products. Dioxin is the most deadly man made chemical, a second in line to radioactive waste. Dioxin is found in items which have been bleached, including paper (which is made from wood pulp and chlorine) Unfortunately tampons are also made from wood pulp and chlorine and called rayon. In 1994, the Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) issued a report that states that dioxins are known to cause cancer in animals, and probably cause cancer in people. The EPA also has determined that people exposed to high levels of dioxins may be at risk for a damaged immune system, increased risk of pelvic inflammatory disease (PID), and reduced fertility. Recent research on monkeys has linked dioxin exposure with an increased risk to develop Endometriosis. One study found that 80% of the monkeys exposed to dioxin developed Endometriosis, and the higher levels of exposure caused the development of more severe forms of the disease. Tampons contain low levels of dioxins so the FDA satys it is fine. But, according to the EPA, there really is no "acceptable" level of exposure to dioxin.

Many people are unaware that cotton plants are one of the most heavily sprayed crops- sprayed with chemical herbicides and pesticides. Both of these substances contain known carcinogens (cancer causing substances like dioxin) as well as hormone disruptors. The effect of pesticides on the unborn child and its link with miscarriage has also been well documented. Tampons derived from these 'conventional' cotton fields are then bleached with chlorine gas to change the cotton from its natural cream colour to make them white - which we apparently find more 'aesthetically pleasing' as consumers. Some companies have also sneakily started using the sythetic fibres rayon and polyester in tampons as they are cheaper to manufacture than natural cotton. When inserted into the most delicate part of our bodies- the birth canal, not only do these chemicals significantly increase our risk of cervical cancer, but they also change the natural Ph balance of our cervical mucous (a primary factor for natural conception) as well as effectively kill sperm. I didn't know any of this and I'm not sure if any of ya'll do so I wanted to share what I have learned. I am throwing away all the tampons and using pads! I don't need to risk getting anything else because of tampons. For those who don't want to wear pads (I know they are just beyond nasty) find some Organic tampons. I just wanted to share what I have learned and boy did this take me forever! ;)

Letting Go Of Fear.

IUI #2 - 7dp-IUI.

To My Dearest Angel-in-Waiting,

I am starting to get scared that I may never conceive you or hold you in my arms. I will never give up on you, never. I am worried you may get lost and never come to me. My faith keeps getting tested and what if I can't over come everything to get you here safe and sound. I know that I need to hold on a little longer and stay strong, and I will finally have you. I know that we are truly meant to be together, I don't know when, but I just know that we will be together one day, but I am still scared. I want you to know how much I already love you, that I will do anything I can to get you here safe and sound. That you will never be forgotten, that you are the reason why I am doing all this even though it is painful to Mommy. That my heart will forever be yours, that you are the reason why I will never give up. There is so much I want to tell you, and when you are finally in Mommy's womb, I will tell you how much I love you every single day for the rest of my life. There's not a day that goes by where I do not think of you. I promise to never give up and ask I thing from you, to get here safe and sound, so that I can hold you every single day, kiss you, watch you sleep, feed you, love you, bathe you, play with you and of course tell you how much I love you. We will be together soon my love. As I sit here and write to you, I have thought a lot and that I will no longer scared or fear that I may not get you. Because I am now leaving it all in God's hands. God did not give me a spirit of fear, but of love, power and a sound mind. Fearing won't get me any where, it will only bring me down, so my baby, I am no longer fear that you will never come, because I know deep down in my heart that we will finally be together, one day. I love you my Angel-in-Waiting.

Love from a Mother-in-Waiting

"When we let go of fear, only then can we gracefully move from what was into the miracle of what can be."

Blog Award.

I got this wonderful award from Ashley. She has always been there for me, and I dunno what I'd do without her!! :)

Beautiful Blogger Award

• Thank the person who nominated you for this award.
• Copy the award and place it in your blog.
• Link the person who nominated you for this award.
• Tell us 7 interesting things about you.
• Nominate 7 bloggers.
• Post the links to the 7 bloggers you nominate.

Seven Things About Me.

1. Reese's is my all time favorite candy!
2. I don't eat any fat from meat, it makes me gag!!
3. I am addicted to my BlackBerry Bold, it never leaves me hands until I'm sleeping and even then it it in bed with me, haha!
4. It's really hard for me to swallowed Prenatals.
5. I'm gonna go to college to be a Child Wellfare Social Worker.
6. My favorite color is pink.
7. I can not stand when my hands are dirty, I probably wash them like 100 times a day.

Seven Bloggers That I Pass This Award To:

1. Cara.
   
2. Holly.
   
3. Kate.
4. Nathalie.
5. Sarah.
6. Cheryl.
7. Jenn.

I wish I could give all my girls this award, but I could only pick 7. So this is in no order or anything like that.

A Bit Confused..

So I went in for my ultrasound...turns out I have ONE follicle that's in my right ovary... And that follicle is still a TAD bit smaller than they want it, but they gave me my trigger shot and gonna do an ultrasound tomorrow morning before my IUI and make sure it's fine.. Also..they NEVER told me to stop the progesterone pills, then I asked today that I need to stop taking them, and that it should be fine because the lining of my uterus is fine and has 3 layers which it's suppose to for ovulation she told us. Does that all sound right with ya'll?? Also my Husband and I think (not about this) that..well it just seems as if they are not telling us stuff... I can't explain why we feel that way, we just do. He brought it up on the car ride home and I told him I felt the same way. I just don't know anything about this because this is only our 2nd IUI and other than that we have been trying naturally for the past 3 years. So I am not sure if they are right or wrong in this... Can someone please tell me if that all sounds right?? Haha..sorry!! Thank you. :) I also want to take the time to thank each and every one of you who have been praying for my Grams, Family and Family. Also about our IUI and me getting my BFP. I can not thank you enough, just know that it means the world to me, and I keep every single one of you in my prayers. And I know each and every single one of you, no matter your Infertility issues, will get your BFP, also know I'm ALWAYS here for you, around the clock, 24/7. :) Stay strong ladies!!

Trigger Shot A No Go.

So we went into our Fertility Clinic for an Ultrasound to see if I'm ready for my Trigger Shot and IUI the following day.. Well I have 1 Follicle in each ovary, but they are not ready just yet. So I have another Appt Thrusday for an Ultrasound. The Doctor told me that she thinks I'll get the Trigger Shot Thursday, then IUI Friday, but then told me if they are not ready Thrusday, then IUI may be Saturday or Monday. So we should know more Thursday, I hope my little Follicles are mature by then. I have to admit I was a little disappointed in not doing IUI Tomorrow, but I know my Follicles need to mature, so I am fine with it. :)

I Really Need Some Prayers.

I just found out Today my Grams, also my adoptive Mother who raised me, has lung cancer. I honestly really don't know what to say. My Grams and I are best friends, I tell her everything, and we are just beyond close. I love her more than any word could ever describe. She has been here for me, through EVERYTHING, keeping me strong, keeping me to go on. She is my hero. My Grams is very young, she is only in her 60's. She raised my older brother, younger sisters and myself. I know that I need to be strong, for her, my family and myself. As if right now, I can't stop myself from crying, I know that I need to stop crying and be strong. My Brother told me that I need to be strong right now esp for her, and I'm going to. I doubt I'm doing the 3rd IUI next month, I think after this IUI I'm gonna have the Army fly me home for a few weeks, but the thing is the Army is trying to move us NEXT month! I just really need to get home and be with her right now. Bruce is going Monday to see when the Army can get me home. In a few weeks my Grams is gonna start treatment, which I'm guessing is Chemo because my Brother said her hair would fall out... I guess her cancer is stage 4, and already bad off... And the treatment is going to slow it down and help her with the pain. If you knew my Grams, you would know that this amazing woman is a fighter, she is the strongest person I know, and I know that she will and can beat this. I don't care what the doctors say, she will beat this. And we have God on our side! :) I know that everything will be alright. I have faith in my Lord. Will you please pray for my Grams, my Family and me, it would mean the world to me, thank you!

Early 2008, From when I went home for a month to visit my Family. My little sister, AJ and I, took some wild pictures with my Grams!! Yes, I know she's badass!! ;)

We're ganstasssssss! ;)


HAHA!! I LOVE MY FAMILY!!


We're crazyyyyyyy! Tehee!! Loves it!!

IUI round 2.

So my appt for IUI #2 went great. They are gonna put me back on Femara for 4 days, then I go back in the 12th for my trigger shot, well for another ultrasound to make sure I'm ready for my trigger shot, then next day IUI. When I was in my appt, my dr was finally in there. (Didn't see him at all last round)and he said the Femara did work and told me we are gonna need to do about 200 IUI's to even get pregnant, because my Husband only has 1 %normal sperm. That we have less than 2% to even get pregnant with IUI. I'm sitting thinking wtf 200?! Last year he did tell us we have a 2% with IUI but he didn't say I'd need to do around 200 IUI's! This really upsets me and I'm sitting in my car crying. Am I ever gonna get pregnant? How the hell can I stay positive now? I'm gonna try my hardest, it's just gonna be so hard now. Then he tells me "don't be upset that it didn't work the first time" I started to tear up during my whole damn appt. *sighs* I just pray to God this round of the 3rd works. I really hope God has a plan for us..Right now I just have NO idea what it is. Is 3 years of trying to conceive not long enough!??! Also if I don't get pregnant this round, gonna do injections next round. So I guess we shall see.. I start the Femara Today. Yay for being hormonal!

Our 1st IUI Round Comes To An End.

So tomorrow is the last day of the 1st IUI round, and I go in for a blood test. Whatever results I get, I'm gonna stay positive and if I get a BFN I'm gonna remind myself I still have 2 more IUI rounds, I know one will work, and I have faith in my God. If I get my BFP, I will be bawling my eyes out and it'll be the happiest day of our life, until our baby is born, then obviously that'll be the happiest day of our lives. These 16 days have been the longest of my life! I'm guessing it's because we did IUI that it seems so long and probably the fact I've been having a lot of pregnancy symptoms. It's been SO hard not to POAS, but I don't really trust them and what's the point in spending money, when my blood test is free? I have been beyond positive during this IUI 2ww and I will remain positive no matter what results I get. I'm not saying I won't get upset if it's a BFN, because I will be totally crushed, but I will pick myself up and try again. I think the worst part will be, seeing my Husband heartbreaking because he was SO very excited, probably more than me, LoL. But as this 1st IUI round comes to an end, I have learned a few things. Before this cycle, I'm usually positive, also negative but usually more negative than positive. I have not been negative at all during this whole cycle. By being totally positive, it has also kept me stress-free, yes you heard right. I have not been stressing out about this, like every cycle I seem to do. You ask how I can be stress-free during this? Well by staying positive and trusting God. I know he has a plan for my Husband and I, and I know that we will have our own child. :) I also have learned, that me and Femara don't mix well, as well as these progesterone pills, haha! So I'm 16dp-IUI and yesterday I started spotting, which is very weird for me, then I stopped. But now I'm spotting again, so I'm not sure what's going on, but I'll get all my answers tomorrow! I haven't been stressing about it because it could very likely be implantation, yes I've been a little worried that it could be AF, but then again spotting is not normal for me. So I'm only hours away from my blood test, and no matter what I'll remain positive. It won't be the end of the world if I get a BFN and if I get a BFP it will be the beginning to a new world. :) Please pray for my Husband and I!