14 Week Ultrasound & 19 Weeks.

I have been meaning to blog but just can never focus long enough anymore. Last month at 14 weeks I went in for my 1st ultrasound. I remember sitting in the waiting room scared to death. Panic attack after panic attack. It felt like someone was sitting something extremely heavy on my chest. My last ultrasound there was no heartbeat, I was terrified of the outcome. As Doctor F started to turn on the ultrasound I just teared up, I wanted to shut my eyes so bad but couldn't get my eyes off the screen, even though there wasn't anything on it quite yet. He started putting that cold gel on my little bump, I had never had that kind of ultrasound done, I had always gotten the transvaginal ones, I was happy I didn't have to get that kind, they hurt! My aunt held my hand as he went to take a look inside. I saw a tiny beating heart and I had never felt so happy in my life. I just felt so much relief, I had never felt that in my entire life. The baby was very active just moving around, also tried suck on it's thumb. The baby has its legs WIDE open, come to find out, IT'S A BOY! I had a strong feeling that it's a boy weeks before. I didn't even focus on girl names, I, somehow knew that I had to have my boy name picked out. I remember right before I went into my appt, my aunt and I was talking about how my doctor probably couldn't see the sex this early. I'd only heard of a few friends finding out so early. But there his boy parts were!!

I'm 19 weeks today, still seems unreal. I'm almost half way done with my pregnancy and I think that I am still in shock. I wonder if I will ever get out of the "in shock stage" I have already gained 37 lbs so far, but the doctor said most under weight woman "catch up" in their pregnancy. I have been eating a lot, get hungry every 2-3 hours and have been eating full meals everytime I get hungry, hehe. I'm still having extreme fatigue, it has not got any better, but hopefully it does soon. The back pain has already started! I have had back problems my entire life but wow, this is way different and hurts a lot more. I take 2-3 hot baths a day and just soak my back in it. It does help some. I can't use a heating pad because I get too hot. So bath will have to due.

The past few days his movements have gotten really strong. Like last night I woke up like 5 times from him kicking. I would just lay there for a little bit, while he just kicked away. He's a very active little monkey! I think feeling him move is the best part of the pregnancy, it sure isn't the symptoms or growing out of all my clothes! I haven't gotten any maternity clothes yet, not sure when I will but I need to soon!

New Baby, New Year.

A lot has changed since I last updated my blog. On Nov 7th, my period was a day late and I had just been feeling pregnant so I took a home pregnancy test and it came back positive. I couldn't believe it cause I just miscarried 2 months before, but I guess you're the most fertile after miscarrying and giving birth, I knew that about after birth but not miscarrying. I am 13 weeks and 3 days! My EDD is July 16th. My last ultrasound was last month, heart rate was 156!!! My progesterone is really high, everything has been normal, so far, with this pregnancy. I go in on the 18th to see my OB, I am very excited and she is going to try to see if we can see the sex. I will only be 14 and half weeks but depending on the baby we just may be able to see!

I'm beyond excited but yet have never been this scared in my entire life. I have never been this far along before and just the fact that I just miscarried in August. I tried to not get so attached to this baby, but kinda hard when you have a teeny human growing inside of you. I love this baby so much and would do anything for my child. I've been having many fears, about a lot of things lately and yes I know that that is normal. And being a single mommy-to-be, yes I'm single now, makes me even more scared. I just keep wondering what is gonna happen, which is driving me insane! I'm wondering way too many things. Which is really stressing me out. I need to stop stressing myself out and enjoy being pregnant!!

As for my symptoms, I have every single 1st trimester symptom...The morning sickness has been very bad tho, just haven't puked this pregnancy, yet!! The past week my nauseousness has gone just about away! But my fatigue has gotten worse..HMM?? Thought it was suppose to get better toward/in the 2nd trimester? Just feeling so run down, I get SO tired just taking a shower/bath!! Then there is a lot of pressure in my belly, it really hurts! I know it will only get worse but the pain is just very annoying! And what has been weird and new symptoms is for the past 2 days I just wll bawl my eyes out for reasons that you should not be crying over..??!! t's crazy!!!

God has surly blessed me with this little miracle!!

10 weeks and 6 days 12 weeks and 5 days

Hysterectomy...??????

So I had to go back to the ER last night, due to my pelvic pain being so bad and nothing to control it with, since all these doctors in Oklahoma do not want to give me my pain meds. Well anyway, they did a pelvic exam and ultrasound. I've passed everything they said. The last few days I have been passing some BIG nasty looking stuff... Sorry if that is TMI, but it's gross and also hurts extremely bad! My pelvic exam on the other hand..they found cancer cells on my cervix. So they told me to just get in with my OB/GYN as soon as I can. I'm not sure what that means, them finding cancer cells, I was kinda out of it when I talked to the doctor. It's kinda freaking me out.

I've been thinking about getting a Hysterectomy the last few days. Trying to go thru the pros and cons. Of course I want to be able to carry my own baby but with my health, I don't think I can. And with my Endometriosis, they say after having a Hysterectomy the pelvic pain can get worse or better or go away completely. And I'm scared if I have it done then my pain gets worse...then I will be SOL! I have already tried Lupron and it didn't really help, I still had the worse pelvic pain. I've been on pain meds since I was 17 years old and I'm now 23. I want off of them!! I know I could always freeze a bunch of eggs, but just the thought of someone else carrying my baby just breaks my heart. But if it is best for me and the baby then that is what I am gonna have to do. This is just a HUGE decision.. I wish my Mother or Grams was here to talk to me about this... I know God will lead me in the right path.

All I want is to be a mother to a baby down here on Earth, but it just seems like it's not meant to be. And that just kills me. There are woman having babies and KILLING them! I try not to question God's will but if he already knew what would happen to these babies why would he give them to these women? When there are women like me that are going through Infertility and would do ANYTHING for that child and would NEVER harm their baby. A few friends AND family members have told me to just get a hysterectomy... I kinda feel like they are telling me to just give up. I've come so far how could it just end with a hysterectomy and me childless?

Constant Reminder And Baby Shower.

The last few days all I have been thinking about is the baby. I keep count how many weeks I'd be, 14, I kept thinking about the "what ifs" I try to stop but can't. That's all I dream about, still being pregnant. It's consently on my mind. After 4 years and 10 months of try to get pregnant I finally got pregnant and I don't understand why God would let me even get pregnant if he knew what the outcome would be. What was the point? Seriously? God given me a miracle where I bonded with that baby everyday all day long, I talked, read and sung to the baby, laying down for hours rubbing my belly, got to see the baby, got to see the heart actually beat and hear it, got the baby stuff, picked names out and had our plan, and I loved that baby more than I have ever loved before a much different kind of love, when He knew the baby wouldn't make it. I'll cherish those moments for the rest of my life and I'm happy I got to experince that but at the same time I wish God didn't let me get pregant. Is that wrong of me to say? I feel that it is but I can't help it, at the present time. I don't know how to handle this, cope or even where to begin to actually mourn, grieve and move on. I've been so strong for a long long time and I'm not sure if I can stay strong anymore. Traminc things keep happening to me and I've notice for sometime now that I just try to act as if none of it happened, my mom passed away in 2006, and I haven't even grieve. It's like I'm stuck in shock. But now with losing the baby and kept everything bottled up for all these years I'm about to explode. It was the one thing to make it all come back and start falling apart. I know that one day I won't feel this way, but I know it's gonna take some time and a lot of support. And I will get there. But it is a great thing that I can get pregnant naturally. That was the happiest I've ever been... And it's a constant reminder if I'll ever be fully happy again or if that was my only chance as becoming a mother.

So my cousins surprise baby shower is on Saturday, the day after my birthday, and my family wants me to go. I told them I'm not ready for that. I just can't go. And I know my cousin would understand but she don't even know about it. So I can't explain why I can't come. I could after she found out, I guess. I just hope she doesn't get mad but I'm pretty sure she will umderstand, I hope. If I went I'd just lock myself in the bathroom the whole time and cry. My heart can not handle that. My family doesn't understand why I can't go. Is it just wrong for me to not go? Should I go, put on a fake smile then bawl my eyes out when I get home? To be honest I'm not sure I could even sit there without crying infront of everyone. I know that that is what would happen. I'm a very sensitive person. I don't want to see her opening gifts, baby shower games, everyone talking about her pregnancy and baby. That may be very selfish of me but right now I just can't do it. It'll be too painful, hell it's very painful writing about it. I'm not trying to be selfish in anyway and I'm happy for her but like I said, I can't do that, it's way too soon for anything like that.

........

So I went in for my ultrasound on the 2nd... and as all of you already know... the baby had no heartbeat.. I couldn't even say a word to my ob...I was speachless and in shock... I don't understand how we saw the heart actually beating a week and half before then it just stops?? I don't understand..the baby was bigger also..so the baby was growing... My heart is just..what is the best word for this...gone... The baby's heartbeat was going up my levels were doubling..well more then doubling..everything was looking soo great!! I haven't been handling it very well.. I have never been so depressed in my life. I'm not sure on how to even cope with this.. All I seem to do is cry cry and cry some more. I was doing every single thing right and everything the doctor told me. I love that baby more than anything I have ever loved... I got way too attached.. I shouldn't have let myself but that's just impossible when you have another life growing inside you. I'm just not doing great, I'm far from ok.. I was finally truly fully happy..now I don't know if I will ever be fully happy again. Ryan doesn't know if he wants to even try to get pregnant and that just breaks my heart. All I want is to be a mother, to his kid, that is what I am meant to do. I have had so many thoughts running through my head but I can't seem to write them on here at the moment... I just don't know if I can do this.. There were 3 pregnancy annoucements and I just cried so hard..one of the ones I guess I fainted, Ryan said, from crying so hard.. I don't uderstand why others get pregnant esp with 2 or more and I can't even carry 1?! :( God please help me through this... I knwo I'm angry at you right now but please help me, I can't get through this without you... In no way am I looking for people to feel sorry for me, I just need my friends to be here for me, I need a lot of support right now..

I was finally starting to show...

Whoa These Symptoms!

I have been having such a rough time with this pregnancy, but not complaining, loving every minute of it!! I never thought pregnancy would be so hard but my OB told me it's harder on me due to all my health problems...?? Hmmm.. This pregnancy has been taking such a huge toll on my little body.. I've still been on bed rest to get the baby's heart beat up, which hopefully it is on Monday!! I have been having every 1st trimester symptom, but ing...yet *fingers crossed* hope I get lucky with that!! Just hoping I start to feel better when I hit the 2nd Trimester. I have been extremely tired, even too tired to even shower or do my make up!!! Blow drying my hair just makes me take a nap!! My boobs having been KILLING me! I don't think push-up bras are the best bras for pregnancy, aha!! May try a sports bra. Always hungry, but never know what I wanna even eat, LoL! Very hormonal! Morning sickness is sooo bad thank God for Zofran! Been my best friend! I have been feeling A LOT of stretching in my stomach, it hurts really bad, I can't imagine how bad it's gonna hurt when I'm like 7 months pregnant. ;) A lot more is going on with my body even tho it's been tough I am enjoying every second of being pregnant!! I'm finally gonna be a mommy!! EEEEK!! It's finally my turn! Can you believe it??!! I am already starting to show!! Only those around me know that I am pregnant tho. But I guess you show sooner when your slim. I will be 8 weeks come Monday! AT THE END OF THE 2ND MONTH WOOHOO!!! I have an ultrasound Tuesday and I am beyond excited!! I can't wait to see our baby again!! We already have a few names kinda picked up, but of course not gonna share them til a little while after we found out the sex!! I have been having so many pregnancy dreams. Where I am holding the baby. I had a delivery dream...oooh it really scared me!! One with taking the baby to the park. But it none of them did it show if the baby was a boy or girl...weird huh???My OB did call this week and my levels went back up all the way too 16,000s!!! YAY!!! Everything is looking beyond great now!! Still holding my breath of course!!

Oh how mommy loves you so much already!!!

2 More ER Trips.

Last Thursday I started spotting after intercourse and me being me I freaked out and went to the ER. Come to find out I'm RH negative so they gave me the RhoGAM shot. Well then come Tuesday I started bleeding more so Ryan took me to the ER, again. They did an ultrasound and were finally able to detect the heartbeat. But it was at 93, they said they want it about 120.. The doctor gave me a few shots of Demerol and put me on bed rest. I went to see my OB Tuesday for another ultrasound, beta and results from the week before beta. Come to find out my levels dropped by 1,000. And the heartbeat was the same. So she said come back Friday(yesterday) So I went back and the heartbeat went up to 100! Still low but shows that the baby is fighting and I just have a strong feeling that this baby will make it, I can't explain how I know or what I feel but I do. We also got to see the baby's heart beating!!!!! I also should get my beta results on Monday or Tuesday, but hopefully Monday. My OB wants me to come back on 2nd...2 weeks???!!! How is that safe?! I think she should be watching the baby more carefully. I also think I am going to change to my friend's OB come Monday. He is really great and a few of my friend's have delivered their babies with him. I also don't really trust my OB to deliver my baby, in March... So think I'm just gonna call and make an appt with this new one this week.

I've been trying to not stress and stay positive but it is very hard. I have never loved anyone as much as I love this baby. I have never even see an ultrasound or hear/see a heart beating this this pregnancy. This pregnancy has been hard but I know I can get through this and I will. I will do anything for this child. Whatever it takes.

7 WEEKS ON MONDAY!!

6 Weeks!! Also ER Trip.

Today I am 6 weeks pregnant!! I have made it to another week, YAY!! :) I've been having a very rough time with this pregnancy, already. I've been prescribed Percocet since 2005&OxyContin for the past 3 years. My doctor is refusing to give me my meds to ween me off, so shes making me stop cold turkey, you can't do that esp with OxyContin. I'm having the worst withdrawals, pain&pregnancy symptoms. She told me to go to rehab to detox but insurance don't cover it or I would. This could be stressing the baby out&we don't need that. So tomorrow I'm calling another doctor to get ween off the right way or even a medicine for stop the withdrawals. So just been stressing about that, a lot. I'm trying to stay calm, for the baby's sake. My main concern is the baby. Please pray that I find a doctor that helps us.

So I went to the ER Thrusday, they did a beta&an ultrasound. My beta was in the 5,000s!!! On the ultrasound they saw the sac&baby but too soon for heartbeat. They wouldn't let me see or tell me anything because they were not doctors..GRRR. I wanted to see, but I have an Ultrasound this Thursday! My very first!! I'm beyond excited&can't wait!! Counting down the days..hours..minutes. :) I will keep ya'll updated! :)