Hysterectomy...??????

So I had to go back to the ER last night, due to my pelvic pain being so bad and nothing to control it with, since all these doctors in Oklahoma do not want to give me my pain meds. Well anyway, they did a pelvic exam and ultrasound. I've passed everything they said. The last few days I have been passing some BIG nasty looking stuff... Sorry if that is TMI, but it's gross and also hurts extremely bad! My pelvic exam on the other hand..they found cancer cells on my cervix. So they told me to just get in with my OB/GYN as soon as I can. I'm not sure what that means, them finding cancer cells, I was kinda out of it when I talked to the doctor. It's kinda freaking me out.

I've been thinking about getting a Hysterectomy the last few days. Trying to go thru the pros and cons. Of course I want to be able to carry my own baby but with my health, I don't think I can. And with my Endometriosis, they say after having a Hysterectomy the pelvic pain can get worse or better or go away completely. And I'm scared if I have it done then my pain gets worse...then I will be SOL! I have already tried Lupron and it didn't really help, I still had the worse pelvic pain. I've been on pain meds since I was 17 years old and I'm now 23. I want off of them!! I know I could always freeze a bunch of eggs, but just the thought of someone else carrying my baby just breaks my heart. But if it is best for me and the baby then that is what I am gonna have to do. This is just a HUGE decision.. I wish my Mother or Grams was here to talk to me about this... I know God will lead me in the right path.

All I want is to be a mother to a baby down here on Earth, but it just seems like it's not meant to be. And that just kills me. There are woman having babies and KILLING them! I try not to question God's will but if he already knew what would happen to these babies why would he give them to these women? When there are women like me that are going through Infertility and would do ANYTHING for that child and would NEVER harm their baby. A few friends AND family members have told me to just get a hysterectomy... I kinda feel like they are telling me to just give up. I've come so far how could it just end with a hysterectomy and me childless?

Constant Reminder And Baby Shower.

The last few days all I have been thinking about is the baby. I keep count how many weeks I'd be, 14, I kept thinking about the "what ifs" I try to stop but can't. That's all I dream about, still being pregnant. It's consently on my mind. After 4 years and 10 months of try to get pregnant I finally got pregnant and I don't understand why God would let me even get pregnant if he knew what the outcome would be. What was the point? Seriously? God given me a miracle where I bonded with that baby everyday all day long, I talked, read and sung to the baby, laying down for hours rubbing my belly, got to see the baby, got to see the heart actually beat and hear it, got the baby stuff, picked names out and had our plan, and I loved that baby more than I have ever loved before a much different kind of love, when He knew the baby wouldn't make it. I'll cherish those moments for the rest of my life and I'm happy I got to experince that but at the same time I wish God didn't let me get pregant. Is that wrong of me to say? I feel that it is but I can't help it, at the present time. I don't know how to handle this, cope or even where to begin to actually mourn, grieve and move on. I've been so strong for a long long time and I'm not sure if I can stay strong anymore. Traminc things keep happening to me and I've notice for sometime now that I just try to act as if none of it happened, my mom passed away in 2006, and I haven't even grieve. It's like I'm stuck in shock. But now with losing the baby and kept everything bottled up for all these years I'm about to explode. It was the one thing to make it all come back and start falling apart. I know that one day I won't feel this way, but I know it's gonna take some time and a lot of support. And I will get there. But it is a great thing that I can get pregnant naturally. That was the happiest I've ever been... And it's a constant reminder if I'll ever be fully happy again or if that was my only chance as becoming a mother.

So my cousins surprise baby shower is on Saturday, the day after my birthday, and my family wants me to go. I told them I'm not ready for that. I just can't go. And I know my cousin would understand but she don't even know about it. So I can't explain why I can't come. I could after she found out, I guess. I just hope she doesn't get mad but I'm pretty sure she will umderstand, I hope. If I went I'd just lock myself in the bathroom the whole time and cry. My heart can not handle that. My family doesn't understand why I can't go. Is it just wrong for me to not go? Should I go, put on a fake smile then bawl my eyes out when I get home? To be honest I'm not sure I could even sit there without crying infront of everyone. I know that that is what would happen. I'm a very sensitive person. I don't want to see her opening gifts, baby shower games, everyone talking about her pregnancy and baby. That may be very selfish of me but right now I just can't do it. It'll be too painful, hell it's very painful writing about it. I'm not trying to be selfish in anyway and I'm happy for her but like I said, I can't do that, it's way too soon for anything like that.