Changes.

There has been a lot of changes the past few months esp weeks. Ryan and I have been together about 6 months now. We have been together everyday, we are just always together and never apart, I love it. We just can't stand being apart and can't sleep without one another. He makes me so happy! I never knew love could feel this way or that is was possible, thought that was just in the movies. How could true love like this be real? How did I find it? I have never felt this way about anyone or ever came a tad bit close to the connection Ryan and I have. It's so amazing, he is extremely amazing, words can't describe how amazing everything is with him and him and me. No words can even come close to describe how much we love each other, no words. I'm just so happy.

On to the changes, my divorce was final the beginning of the month. So that is done and over with, finally! It was tough seeing Bruce, we are on good terms, was so emotional....we talked about just everything. I'm glad we talked though.

I've been staying at Ryan's with Romeo, Angel, Bella, Bruce took Juliet, for the past few weeks. There has just been so many changes and very fast. But I know that God has me where I'm suppose to be. Ryan has helped me so much and in so many ways that no one could. And the other way around. We have like everything in common, it's like we are the same person and we will be thinking about the same thing and finish each other's sentences. We know we are truly meant to be. I'm rambling, sorry, I just want the world to know, hehe. I just haven't blogged about him yet and have really been wanting to talk about my hunny with y'all! :)

So I have been going to grief classes every week. It's a 12 week program and I really think it will help me. It's been hard, though Tuesday is gonna be very hard they said, but I've made it this far! I just want to feel like I have my life back and not let losing both of my mothers control and ruin my life, so I have taken action! :)

It's Been A While.

I know it's been a few months since I have last updated, hell it's a new year, haha! A lot has been going on in the past few months, and when I say a lot I mean a lot...I dunno where to begin.. Bruce and I are getting a divorce... Why you ask? Well there are many reasons why but all I'm gonna say is Infertility has made us grown very apart and we both have changed... That's all I'm gonna say... We are staying on good terms and friends though. It feels more real now since I have been telling some people. I know these next few months are really gonna be hard on me...and with my moms and grams death anniversary coming up...I've been so depressed lately with those 2 dates coming up... *sighs* It's also gonna be hard stepping back into the Civilian World after 8 years of the Military life...it's just gonna be a tough adjustment for a while. I don't have much to say at the moment, well I do...just so many thoughts running through my brain that I can't slow it down and write what I want to say and all in order so it makes sense, LoL!

A lot of people keep asking me if I'm just gonna delete my blog and start fresh, answer is no because that's 5 years of my life right there so I'm keeping it up. I'm working on a new layout and new domain soon, so bare with me please. The divorce seems more real now since I'm blogging about it and changing my layout..I never wanted this to happen nor did I think it ever would..but I do know that everything happens for a reason, so there is a reason for this. I'm doing my best to move forward but I know it's gonna be a lot harder once he is home and I actually see him. But I know this is the best thing for me and his as well. It will be much better in the long run. *sighs* I will always love him though. I really just want my divorce to be final because I think it will be a little easier on me, with helping me move on...maybe??! I'm not really gonna blog much about my divorce but I will keep ya'll updated on what is going on..I'm just so tired of everyone asking me about Bruce, everyday, I can't take it..it's too painful...

Side note, I'm sick with bronchitis and the flu right now and with this cold snowy weather my Lupus, Fibromyalgia has flared up much worse same with my Arthritis...I just can't wait for Spring to get here but I know that Oklahoma has not seen the last of more snow and cold weather this Winter!! As much as I miss Alaska I'm so glad I'm not living there right now! It's late and I can't think too much more right now...but I am gonna try to blog everyday and get some new vlogs up as well, because I know blogging is gonna be a coping thing for me and help me, like it always does, like ya'll always do. I hope everything is well with ya'll, sorry I haven't been around much just too much going on, I also want to thank ya'll for being there for me, it means the world to me!!

Ohh...I found lumps on both my breasts..so I gotta call my GYNO and get in asap and make sure that it's not Breast Cancer or anything else bad... Please pray for me, thank you so much.

What Is Going On??!!?

So I am 21 days late...I haven't poas(peed on a stick) because I know that I am not pregnant. My pelvic pain has been BEYOND bad that it has been waking me up. The last few days I'll be dreaming that I'm having the worst pelvic pain, then I will wake up and be in the worse pain!! I honestly don't know what the hell is going on with my body. I get my period every 28 days but ever since I got off the fertility drugs my cycles have been very messed up!! Last cycle I was 39 days late!!!! I don't have a fertility doctor here in Tennessee yet, and there is no point because I will be moving back to Oklahoma when he deploys to Afghanistan which is VERY soon... Now we don't even have time to try 1 more cycle, unless I started today or tomorrow, which I am just very devastated about! Our goal was to get pregnant before he deploys but yeah that is not happening now...I guess once he gets back then it's IVF with ICSI. I just really didn't want to do IVF unless we had to.. The 3 IUI's process just put me through SO much physical pain and mentally.. and I know IVF is going to be worse.. I just really wish we could get pregnant on our own like most normal couples. I always ask God, "why can they get pregnant let alone on their own, but Bruce and I for some reason just can't." I don't understand why Bruce and I have to go through infertility..I know there is a reason.. Maybe to find out about 3 serious illness, Lupus, Antiphospholipid Antibody Syndrome(APS) and MTHFR Disease, that our fertility doctor found. Or else I would have never even asked to be tested for those. Maybe it's to show us how much a blessing a child is or maybe to show me that just because I don't have a child it does not make me ANY less blessed than a woman/couple with child(ren) Or maybe I am being punished for something..??? I don't know but whatever the reason, destiny always gets it's way. I do know that everything is going to work out for Bruce and I. God is great and amazing. And with him on our side anything is possible.

I know it's been like 3 weeks since I have updated and that I have bearly been on Twitter the last couple weeks, I miss all of ya'll, but I'm just trying to spend as much time with my husband as I can, before he goes to Afghanistan. I really hope ya'll understand. And I just want to thank all my girls! Without ya'll and my husband, I could not get through a day without any of you. I promise to update more and be on Twitter more! :)

Lupus Awareness Month!!

Sorry it kinda cut me off at the end..HAHA!! If you want to know more about Lupus visit www.lupus.org

Just An Update.

Sorry my allergies are bad..and my nose is kinda stuffy..LoL!!

Earth Day.

Earth Day is a day where we appreciate this Earth and all it's beauty! We need to start taking better care of our beautiful Earth, for our children, for our children's children.

Michael Jackson's Planet Earth Poem:


Michael Jackson's Earth Song:


Listen to his messages, and let's make the change. Together we can do it. But we need to do it together and fast.

AF, You Bitch!!!

So we all HATE AF, but right now she needs to show so we can get back to trying esp before he Deploys. I am 32 days late...I got a Progesterone shot 2 days ago, and the nurse said my period would start within a week, and if it doesn't start in 2 weeks I may be pregnant. Which I don't think I am..we are not that lucky.. I know that she is on her way and close, because how bad my pelvic pain has been since I got that shot.. Not only am I hurting on the left, like always, but on the right as well, and my whole entire lower back..I can't put ANY pressure on it...My pain meds are hardly even working.. My Fertility Doctors have NO clue in why I am late, she said it could be from the cyst, but I have had cysts before and it didn't make me late. So they really have NO idea on why I am 32 days late. My 2ww has turned into a 8ww.. This has just been a very hard 8 weeks and I just want this cycle to end so we can go to the next one...Why is this happening? Esp RIGHT BEFORE Bruce deploys...??? I just hope the Progesterone makes AF come real soon, I don't wanna 9ww or 10ww! I think I am going insane!! AF, I know we have our differences and I hate you and you are never welcome, but this time I am begging you to come. Pleaseeee AF, stop being a bitch and just show up!! Why are you doing this to me?? Where are you? Where have you been??!!? Please just show up already..

Where Are You AF?!???!!

So AF is 15 days late. I saw my Fertility Doctor not last week but the week before when I was 5 days late. She did an ultrasound and saw the cyst and the fluid, it had erupted and I know I had a cyst because I could feel it because it was poking out. And I couldn't put ANY pressure on my left lower back or front... I had gotten it from all the fertility drugs, no baby but a big cyst, just my luck! So she said I'm late because the cyst and I don't think that may be the case. I've had cysts before and much bigger ones and they never made me late. I'm trying to not get my hopes up, I really am but it's so hard when your this late. I've hardly been having ANY pelvic pain, which is not normal for me. And when I do have it it's not that bad. Tomorrow I'm gonna call the clinic and go in for a blood test on Wednesday and if I'm not pregnant (I have good a feeling though) then I want a progesterone shot to make me start. We only have like 2 more cycles before he deploys. :( I just want AF to come so we can get back to trying. This 2ww has turned into a 4ww... This is just not normal for me. And I've been gaining weight, my boobs are huge and don't hurt, they always hurt right before I start and during AF. I just want to know what is going on with my body! If AF isn't coming because I'm pregnant then I'll be the happiest woman alive! So please just keep us in your prayers. We are running out of months... :(

On moving, we are still in Colorado and we may be staying another month, we should find out tomorrow, hopefully. We are trying to stay because I can't get in to see my doctor or therapist. So I guess we'll find out tomorrow I'm hoping!