Womb With A Story: August 2011

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

........

So I went in for my ultrasound on the 2nd... and as all of you already know... the baby had no heartbeat.. I couldn't even say a word to my ob...I was speachless and in shock... I don't understand how we saw the heart actually beating a week and half before then it just stops?? I don't understand..the baby was bigger also..so the baby was growing... My heart is just..what is the best word for this...gone... The baby's heartbeat was going up my levels were doubling..well more then doubling..everything was looking soo great!! I haven't been handling it very well.. I have never been so depressed in my life. I'm not sure on how to even cope with this.. All I seem to do is cry cry and cry some more. I was doing every single thing right and everything the doctor told me. I love that baby more than anything I have ever loved... I got way too attached.. I shouldn't have let myself but that's just impossible when you have another life growing inside you. I'm just not doing great, I'm far from ok.. I was finally truly fully happy..now I don't know if I will ever be fully happy again. Ryan doesn't know if he wants to even try to get pregnant and that just breaks my heart. All I want is to be a mother, to his kid, that is what I am meant to do. I have had so many thoughts running through my head but I can't seem to write them on here at the moment... I just don't know if I can do this.. There were 3 pregnancy annoucements and I just cried so hard..one of the ones I guess I fainted, Ryan said, from crying so hard.. I don't uderstand why others get pregnant esp with 2 or more and I can't even carry 1?! :( God please help me through this... I knwo I'm angry at you right now but please help me, I can't get through this without you... In no way am I looking for people to feel sorry for me, I just need my friends to be here for me, I need a lot of support right now..

I was finally starting to show...

.A Little About Me.

Hi, I'm Roxanne. I first started this blog to blog about my quest for baby hang. I've been TTC for about 5 years now with no success. I was told my only option to conceive was with IVF, couldn't afford it so IUI it was, even with a less than 2% I wanted to try, so I did some IUIs, no luck. I very recently got pregnant, NATURALLY!!! But ended in a miscarriage at 8 and half weeks in Aug 2011. I am now pregnant again!! Due July 16th, 2012 This blog will be about my Pregnancy, Infertiliy, TTC, grieving, me trying to get through life and struggling with 5 Autoimmune Diseases: Lupus, APS, Endometriosis, Fibromyglia, CFS, MTHFR....etc, and learning how to go through life on living back in the Civialian World. Just my everyday life.
I know that everything happens for a reason, I know things will work out for the best in the end. Just gotta keep your head up.

.Timeline.

Dec 1st 2006 ;; Started TTC

Oct 2009 ;; Started getting help from a Fertility Specialist.

Nov 12th, 2009 ;; HSG

Nov 12th 2009 ;; HSC

Dec 9th, 2009 ;; Put on Femara

Dec 18th, 2009 ;; 1st IUI - BFN

Jan 14th, 2010 ;; 2nd IUI - BFN

Feb 11, 2010 ;; 3rd IUI - BFN

June 28th, 2011 ;; BFP (naturally)

July 1st, 2011 ;; Beta=279!!

July 5th, 2011 ;; Beta= 1,200s!!

July 7th, 2011 ;; ER Trip. Beta- 5,000s!! Ultrasound, didn't get to see tho.

July 21st, 2011 ;; ER Trip. Beta=12,00s!! RhoGAM shot another ultrasound, didn't get to see.

July 22, 2011 ;; ER Trip. Beta=Dropped by a 1,000. Did an Ultrasound but baby's heartbeat was low. 93.

July 23rd, 2011 ;; Saw my OB. They did an Ultrasound, got to see my baby and see the heart actually beating!! Beta= 16,000s!! They went back up!! Heartbeat went up to 100!!!

Aug 2nd, 2011 ;; Went in for ultrasound, no heartbeat.. Went home and started bleeding...

Aug 2nd, 2011 ;; ER. They did an ultrasound no heartbeat.

Aug 10th, 2011 ;; OB wanted to see me, another ultrasound, about finished passing the baby.

Nov 7th, 2011 ;; BFP on HPT

Dec 3d, 2011 ;; ER. Beta 93,000. Heart rate 156!! EDD July 16th, 2012

RIP Michael Jackson - 1958-2009

Made By Me. Michael Jackson has touched my heart in SO many ways. He also had Lupus, and I really look up to him, because he still lived his life, and danced and everything through all the pain that comes with Lupus. I grew up listening to him. Started listening to him when I was 4 years old. It doesn't matter what mood I am in, every time I hear his music, I keep beyond happy and just dance. I love all of his songs, and honestly think he is, hands up, the greatest dancer that ever lived. And no one will ever be able to top him. He saved so many lives of children and helped so many children/people and just wanted World Peace and for no one to suffer. He was such a beautiful person on the inside and out and was just such an amazing person. My dream before I died was to go see Michael in Concert, and now that will never happen. I am still in shock and don't want to believe it, but I know he is in a better place and now no one can hurt him anymore. I didn't find out he had Lupus until he had passed away, I was in total shock. But know I know that if Michael that had Lupus among other Diseases like myself and still showed the world how great he was, then so can I, thank you Mihcael for giving me Hope. Michael Jackson was the only entertainer who truly made me happy even if I was in the worse possible mood. He may be gone, but he is still here with me and with all his true fans, that he loved so much.**Michael, you mean the world to me and have touched my heart so much, and your my inspiration. I wish I would have gotten to meet you, but I know I will see you in Heaven and be dancing with you. :) I'm glad you are no longer in pain and no one can hurt you anymore. I miss you and I love you with all of my heart.** Rest in Peace MJ.