AIT#2:Day Fourty-Eight.

I am SAVED! So Tonight I was laying downstairs talking to Bruce on AIM and was just thinking about life and how I want to be closer to God and I just asked him to come into my heart and told him that I am truly sorry for blaming him for all the bad things that have/is happening in my life and told him I am not angry at him anymore and that I know what it's the Devils doing. And I just talked for him for like an hour. I AM SAVED!! I feel alive again and I haven't felt alive since the day my Mother died, which was over 3 years ago. I feel so much better. Don't get me wrong I am still depressed, but I feel as if my soul as been awaken. I am finally alive and I couldn't be more happier. I realize how truly blessed I really am. And I thank you God for giving me Bruce as my Husband. He is every woman's dream man. And I'm one of the lucky few who actually found a real man. Thank Lord. I feel so much better about everything and just words can't describe how I feel right now unless you have been saved yourself. And thank you baby for telling me and showing me how proud you are of me for getting saved. I love you and I'll see you in 13 days!! :)

AIT#2:Day Fourty-Five.

After Today 15 more days until my Husband is FINALLY home, and I seriously can not wait!! EEEEKK!! So many things to look forward too!! And I'm hoping when we TTC while he was home for that weekend that it worked. We'll see, keep them crossed!!! :) Didn't do anything at all Today but sleep, I'm in so much pain it is not even funny. I haven't seen my Therapist in like 2 weeks because she's on vacay and I REALLY need to see her. I'm going through a mental break down. I don't see her til the 29th, so I hope I don't do anything stupid til then. I'm not getting like any support from my friends but my sister, Tasha. So when people need me, I won't be here, because that's how it works. Infertility is really getting to me, BAD. I don't know how much longer I can be in mental and physical pain. It's been over too many years and even tried IUI and still no baby. I'm tired of watching everyone else around me start families and not me. And most don't even deserve it. I deserve it. And I will be the best mother alive. There's not question about it. But I guess til then I just gotta keep stay strong, but you can only stay strong so long, you know. And I'm also tired of so called friends trying to hurt me and rub it in my face, yes I am VERY happy for them and NOT jealous but just because they are pregnant and not going through Real Infertility doesn't mean they can rub and throw it in my face esp when they what I am going through. Sigh. I just want my Husband home so bad, I can't take much more of anything. ...

Some pictures Tash and I took. I swear we are camera whores when we are togethers, hehe. ;)

AIT#2:Day Thirty-Three.

5am (the 15th): So I just got home from the ER because I was having the worse pelvic pain from AF and my Lupus. And the Doctor gave me a Dilaudid shot in my ass and a few perks to last me over to get into my appt Today to get more meds. But I am feeling pretty good right now, but still in pain!!!! GRRRRRR. Anyways, I know it's Wednesday but this is my Tuesday one.. The 14th: So didn't do much but start my period and just was in a lot of pain because I was out of meds and my feet are just so damn swollen from the Lupus.... It was a bad day, and then later on Tasha and I watched a special on Michael Jackson, and I just ran upstairs and started bawling on my bathroom floor in my bedroom....Because of him and everything I am going through. I just broke down. Let the Babies run around outside since I got my grass finally cut and they just LOVED it, esp Bella and Angel. They were having a blast and it just put a smile on my face and in my heart. It truly makes me happy to see my Kids happy. I don't know what I'd do without them. Then some unwanted Drama started, so that got outta hand, with my PTSD and Bipolar....If you only knew how crazy I get when my PTSD AND Bipolar (esp PTSD) is trigged. Then after that it was like 2am, went home got my Military ID then went to the ER. Felt like Tash and I were in there FOREVER. Bruce's cousin died Today(well the 14th) and I know how bad he is hurting, he just lost his Grandmother like 3 months ago and he was close to his cousin, and it kills me to know he is hurting so bad and I can't make it all go away and fix it. He also is probably not gonna be able to make it to the funeral, because he leaves Sunday morning. And gets in Friday night at like 11om, so I only get 2 nights and 1 full days with him... :( It's better than nothing but I wish it was longer. It's killing me that he most likely won't be here for the funeral, because in Vietnamese Culture you have to be bury on a certain day, so his Family has to call his Family that lives in Vietnam and find out what day, so I'm praying and hoping it's Saturday. I ask you all to please please pray for Bruce and his Family in this hard time..

AIT#2:Day Thirty-Two.

Been so depressed all day so Tasha and I got drunk and took some my meds because it was the ONLY way I could actually get outta bed and move...haha took a bunch of pics and made some videos of us dancing to Michael Jackson, gonna try and upload it on here, but not here it'll work it may be too long.... I MISS YOU BABY!! SEE YOU FRIDAY!



Me. ;)


DOUBLE TROUBLE!!!


FUCK ALL THE JEALOUS HATERS! :)

AIT#2:Day Thirty.

1pm:He is finally not suffering from what all those people done to him. Yes he had soemthing wrong wtih his skin called LUPUS, the same disease I have. Do you know when he was in jail he asked to use the bathroom and they let him go into the bathroom, where they put SHIT all over the walls and locked him in there for 45 mins. The police hurt him, put cuts and marks all over his body, dislocated his shoulder. When I watched the videos of what happened, it just broke my heart and put me in TEARS. He had one of the greatest hearts I have ever seen and didn't deserve to be treated the way he was treated. How would you like to be treated that way? For all my friends, Michael Jackson has seriously touched my heart, I grew up listening to him and dancing to his music. I have stuck by him through thick and thin. And now that he is gone, I feel as if a part of me died to. You don't know how much this man has touched my heart. And as I'm writing this the tears won't stop. The good really die young. The day my Mother was taken from me, I died, and then when my Angel was taken away from me, I died even more, and now the one man that could (other than my Husband) make me smile and laugh with his music and dancing and always cheered me up, didn't matter what kinda mood I was in he always made me happy. And when he was taken from me, I died even more. I am dead. Words can't desrcibe how bad my heart is hurting right now. All I want for them all 5 to be back. That's all I want and I know it will never happen. I try and remember all the good times with my Mother, being pregnant, Michael Jackson, but I'm so torn up, and MJ has just topped it off. Thanks God, really. Thank you so much.

Mother, I miss you so much and I know your looking down on me watching over me, I just need you so bad and your not here with me... I LOVE YOU WITH ALL MY HEART.

My Angel - Mommy loves you with all of her heart and I wish you could be down here with Mommy and Daddy, we love you very much and miss you so much. I know Grams and Mj are looking after you,

Michael, you have touched my heart in so many ways it's nuts. When I found out you had Lupus also it just made my heart skip a beat. You have suffered so much just like I have, but you still lived your life and was happy, and I only hope I can do the same. I look up to you for it, and I really can't wait to meet you in Heaven. I love you and I will never forget you. You are forever in my heart.

AIT#2:Day Twenty-Six.

Didn't really end up doing anything Today but watch Michael Jackson's Memorial Service and just cried my eyes out. It was VERY hard to watch but I will never forget it or forget Tasha grabbing my hand to hold it while they were singing I'll Be There., our song. <3 Tasha had another seizure Today, I picked her up and laid her on the floor on her side, made her keep her eyes open. She had one 2 or 3 nights ago and stopped breathing, I gave her CPR and she came back but didn't know where she was or who I was for a few mins. Think it's from her Lupus meds that she is no longer on, but still in her system. That shit scares me too death, and I'm not getting on meds for Lupus because ALL of them a side effect is seizures and shit...scary..

AIT#2: Day Twenty.

Just hung out with Tasha and watched Michael Jackson stuff on the TV, and webcammed with my Hubby and stuff, so that was nice, I love seeing his face!! He wrote me a poem and he is just too sweet.. GOD I LOVE HIM. Only 40 more days BabyLove!!

So I sit here thinking about you late at night,
I think about all of the times we fight.
It kills me inside when you say that you hate me,
And just to leave you alone and let you be.

I see the person that I am and I don't like it,
Makes me feel terrible, feel like shit.
I am working on becoming who I was,
And do more things like this poem just cause.

I am amazed by how you are strong,
And how you have held out this long.
You make me so proud to be your Hero,
When for the longest time I thought I was a zero.

I promise to you my love, my everything,
That I will become the man who used to sing.
The man who always made you smile,
The man who would stare at you for awhile.

You are getting the help that you need,
And hopefully with you I can plant my seed.
I hope that with each day you get better,
And I will too, I promise to the letter.

We will become that couple that people are jealous of,
Because we have that kind of love.
I will always be there for you,
Because our love is so true.